Addicted to Chaos

The sneaky ways we keep ourselves sick, stuck, and numb. Part 1 of 2.

There’s a lot happening, so before I get to this week’s topic, I’m providing a larger-than-usual list of announcements and offerings.

Announcements and Offerings

Let’s Talk Book Publishing: A Live Subscriber Call on Sept. 7

On Thursday, Sept. 7th, from 12 - 1:15 pm ET, I’m hosting a live call for paid subscribers to talk about all things book publishing. I get so many questions about the process: how to find an agent, what model of publishing is best (self, hybrid, traditional), how book deals work, what my book deals look like, what it’s like to work with an editor, etc. that I figured it would be great just to do a big call. It’s an excuse to hang out, too!

I put this in our chat and asked for folks to submit questions/topics they’d like to hear about, and got some excellent ones. If you have your own questions, drop them in the comments or add them to the chat thread.

I will record the call and make it available to paid subscribers for 30 days.

This call will be for paid subscribers, so if you’d like to be there, become one! You’ll get access to all my posts + the ability to comment + invitations to these live calls now and then + you help make this work sustainable for me.

Zoom details will be sent to paid subscribers prior to the event.

Kripalu “Push Off from Here” Retreat Oct. 20-22: Livestream Option Now Available

The in-person option for my Kripalu retreat October 20-22 is sold out, but you can now sign up for a digital pass to experience the whole weekend virtually for $99.

Learn more and register.

What’s new at The Luckiest Club (TLC)

I don’t often share about TLC here, but since so many of you are in recovery or seeking recovery, I want to make sure I let you know what’s available from time to time! The Luckiest Club is the sobriety support community I started in 2020. We’ve grown to host over 50 sobriety support meetings a week, offer courses and programs to support recovery, and have an incredible private App for 24x7 connection and support. The TLC team recently gathered in Boston for our annual leadership retreat (highlights on IG), and so I wanted to extend some of the excitement and energy we generated there to you now.

NEW MEETINGS - In addition to our All Community, Newcomer, Beyond 1 Year, Men’s, Women’s, BIPOC, and Queer-focused meetings, we’ve recently added the following to our weekly schedule:

• Movement Meeting - An active meeting with instructor-led movement. This is a big favorite among members!

• Bi-Lingual - hosted in both Spanish and English

• 50+ - focused on members who are age 50 and over

• “Young and Sober” (YAS) - focused on members who are under 35

• Meditation - half the meeting time is spent in a led group meditation

• “Europe’s Luckiest” - Beginning mid-August, this meeting will be hosted at UK-friendly times (the morning).

SUBGROUPS - To allow members to connect to others who live in the same area or share an interest or experience, TLC has over fifty subgroups. Subgroups are managed by volunteer TLC members, and they coordinate regular gatherings and have a dedicated space to connect on our App. Some of our most popular/new Subgroups include TLC Coworking Subgroup (a place to come while you get things done), Parenting in Sobriety, Lightcatchers (Photography), OWLs (50+), Serenity Circle (focused on marijuana addiction), Colorado, San Francisco, and Northern, CA.

TLC membership is $22 a month, which gives you access to all our meetings + subgroups + private App + more. We offer a free 7-day trial, so you can check out all the meetings and see if it feels like a good fit for you.

If you need financial assistance, we offer scholarships to anyone who asks, simple email support@theluckiestclub.com.

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Addicted to Chaos

In Push Off from Here, I tell the story of getting pulled over with Alma in the car in the middle of the day, and—because this officer was sick of me, had already warned me not to drive again before I got my license and registration renewed one week prior—got escorted home. I was two years sober from alcohol then, but my life was still very drunk: years of unopened mail stacked up on my kitchen counter, a mountain of debt I refused to acknowledge, my utilities and phone getting shut off regularly, constant drama with men.

To be fair, I had a lot to learn.

When I picked up booze in my late teens, I pressed pause on some key aspects of adult development. I didn’t know how to have a difficult (or even mildly uncomfortable) conversation. I didn’t know how to state a simple preference, express a basic need, or even say, “No, thanks, I’m going to stay in tonight,” without including sixty-seven excuses and five apologies. I never checked my bank account. I couldn’t plan anything more than 24 hours out.

In Push Off, I liken it to wearing roller skates. Wherever I went, there I was (with my chaos roller skates), flailing my arms around, crashing into things, and wondering why life was always so exasperating.

Life is messy on its own, no doubt. There’s a lot that just happens through no fault of our own. But it took a long time for me to see all the ways I created chaos in my life, how much more comfortable I was with it than peace and calm, and to get real about why I was doing it. I had a recent exchange in one of the sobriety support meetings I was leading recently when someone mentioned how they seemed to be “addicted to getting new jobs.” As in, every couple of years, they’d get bored with what they were doing, get all jazzed about a new opportunity, and focus all their energy on getting it, get it, and then start the cycle all over.

I said, “Ahh, yes, addiction to chaos.”

I recognize it because I was a job hopper too. Back then, I told myself it was normal in the advertising industry to switch jobs a lot, that I wasn’t fulfilling my potential in my current position, I needed a pay bump, and I liked variety. All this was partially true, but what was truer was I didn’t like sticking it out once the new job sheen wore off. I liked jumping ship, starting fresh, and I especially liked the intensity of a new job because it was all-consuming and kept me from feeling or seeing things I didn’t want to feel or see while providing the illusion of productivity and success.

There are so many other ways I’ve created chaos.

A brief list.

• Moved to Colorado five weeks after my daughter was born to live in the basement of my father’s house. (My dad is not a peaceful, stable dude; there were other options.)

• Moved back to Massachusetts three months later.

• Moved house nineteen times between 1999-2018.

• Didn’t open mail; didn’t pay bills or paid them late, constantly.

• Spent more than I made, constantly.

• Didn’t make regular doctor visits, dentist visits,

• Failed to put gas in the car and/or get my inspection, registration, or license renewed on time.

• Didn’t sign up for health insurance on time.

• Gossip and rumor spreading.

• Double-booked myself with friends and/or work.

• Took on far more work than I could handle or needed to take, constantly.

• People-pleased in 10,000 different ways to “keep the peace.”

• Consistently dated men who were unavailable.

• Let resentments linger for too long without addressing them, causing inevitable blow-ups.

• Kept chaotic people in my life far past the relationship expiration date.

I see it in other people all the time, too—especially people in recovery because we are masters of chaos; it’s often what we grew up with and what we know best.

• The person who moves to a new state every 1-2 years.

• The person who continually has blow-up/make-up cycles in their friendships and relationships.

• The person who finds a way to make every interaction/situation about them.

• The person who always has a narcissistic boss, terrible co-workers, and “toxic” friends.

• The person who never stops watching the news and/or fighting with people on the internet.

What chaos offers

There’s no judgment of any of the above, by the way. I’ve been there and find myself creating bits of chaos in my life unintentionally still. It makes complete sense when you look at the why:

1. Chaos feels normal and comforting when it’s what you know. For example, with nine marriages between both of my parents. It feels very normal for me to start over again and again and again.

2. Chaos keeps you in a survival mode state, and when you’re in survival mode, you can’t feel, see, or pay attention to anything that’s not on fire. For example, If I move across the country for this new job, maybe I won’t have to feel my broken heart / actually quit drinking / talk to my parents.

There’s another side to this, or another part, and I’m going to get into that in next week’s newsletter. It’s got to do with why we avoid our bigness, our light, our potential. There’s this idea that it should be super easy—thrilling!—to step into good things, like taking our dream job, paying off all our debt, finally getting the big break we’ve been working for (like having a bestselling book or going mega-viral), or being in a loving, committed relationship. But, Ohhhh, it’s not easy at all. I think it’s actually harder in a lot of ways, and I’m going to share why. That post will be for paid subscribers.

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I’m finishing the week in Long Island, where my guy grew up. It’s my first time here, and we’re visiting his mom after we spent a few days in NYC. I told him this trip to NYC was my favorite of all the times I’d been there so far. Usually, it zaps/overwhelms me, and I leave feeling like a raisin, but this time I felt grounded and in my body the whole time. I walked a ton, had great food, and even had dinner at a new friend’s apartment—at 8 pm! I didn’t get home until almost midnight! It was fun to have this new experience of NYC and be genuinely excited to come back.

On The High Line

L to R: Me, author Erin Williams, Dr. Blythe Adamson (host), and author Katherine Morgan-Schaffler.

Tomorrow, I return home to pick up my girl for the week. I’m eager to settle back into my declared slower summer pace for August.

xo,
Laura

You are reading Love Story, a weekly newsletter about relationships, recovery, and writing from Laura McKowen. I’m also on Instagram, and have written two books. I love engaging with you in the comments, which are open to paid subscribers, and you can subscribe here or give a gift subscription here.