You are not a fraud, or a failure. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. Even if my physical body hadn't broken down and perished, my soul would not have survived. I'd be living a blurry half-life in torment. Instead, after 3 years of trying, 3 years since reading We Are The Luckiest, 3 years of telling myself to keep coming back (hearing your voice when mine was not strong enough) I am 5 and a half months sober. I'm creating a life I don't want to escape from. You are a huge part of that, because you put my feelings into words in your book, and helped me see I wasn't alone, and I shouldn't give up on myself. Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves and do what nature does in winter. Hibernate and feel no shame for it.
The way your words roll with such poetic beauty, even when describing ordinary and or hard things is beautiful. I wish you would never doubt yourself and the value of your newsletter.
Thank you, Laura. Your writing is so beautifully honest. It grounds me and allows me to experience the darker sides of life without shame and denial. When I read your thoughts and words I feel less alone. You also embrace the beauty of life at the same time and this gives me direction, hope and relief. Your writing brought me back to TLC recently and I'm so happy about that. I can't do this alone is so true. All the best and with much gratitude for you and TLC.
Laura, thank you for this essay today. I needed it more than my morning coffee and scone. This is a hard time of year for me for so many reasons. My entire family would go off the rails with mental illness and addiction in the dark months. I learned to dread the winter like a looming execution. And even now, with everyone in recovery and doing so so so much better... my spirit still remembers and fears the dark. I forget and try to ramp up and push through and it doesn't work. I've got a copy of Wintering sitting on my bedside table. Tonight I'm drawing a hot bath and reading it.
That makes so much sense. I didn't notice that with my family, but definitely see it all around me (and within me). Pushing through doesn't work; that's the challenge. We're supposed to surrender, or something. :) I hope Wintering helps.
This helped me make the connection about my family’s mental health and addiction issues ramping up in Winter. You are so right. The trauma from it still lingers.
I ALWAYS RELAPSE IN WINTER MONTHS. been trying this for four years now. Every single year I’ll get to that one year sobriety checkpoint and then BOOM: winter gloom hits and my brain thinks it’s time for another drink. Trying to utilize all my tools to prevent it from happening this year. I think I may start your second book over my break from physician assistant school.
I always feel a mix of weirdness and peace in the moments that I can seem to remember that feeling doubt is part of my human condition. The thing that is my thing, now, is to learn how to doubt gracefully. Definitely a step up from the bottom rung of the ladder of straight doubt + despair + depression, yada, yada, yada...
Thank you for writing this. I am a Caribbean gyal through and through and I have always hated Winter. Until two winters ago. Every molecule of life felt awful, but one cold day in January I randomly surrendered to Winter 100% because I just needed one less thing to suck. Since then, I have noticed that I have Winter Acceptance. Winter Insouciance even! I put my Uggs back on the shoe rack, unearth my ski jacket with the thermal lining, and can pause on a random frigid day and appreciate that everything is frozen and looks dead but it's not. I am winter - frozen and looking dead but I still have life. I won't ever love Winter. But it was a gift in a really crappy time and now Winter gives me hope that things have to die and get cold and dark before they can come back to life.
Climate change has left me unhappy on warm December days so my winter fears and discomforts take a different tact. I want snow and lots of it. But the darkness at 4:30 while walking my dog and dodging cars (and coyotes!) diminishes me. Here’s to the passing of Dec. 21 and the days growing longer. Feel better and enjoy your kitties.
I hear you on that. When it’s unseasonably warm, it’s so unsettling. My daughter screams about it every time we walk outside if it’s warm and it’s not supposed to be. SCREAMS.
“I woke up this morning, the wind in the windows. Reminded me winter was just round the bend. Somehow I just did not see it was coming. It took me by surprise again.” From OLD TENNESSEE by Dan Fogelberg ( also a Coloradan, or Was as he’s passed on now)
One of the most difficult and frustrating things about meditation practice (and that related practice-sobriety) is that it doesn't permanently fix everything. It isn't a cure, it's a practice, and I have to keep doing it. I've been sitting for thirty years and I STILL have to deal with this inner darkness, this insecurity, that "asshole" in my head? Yup. I practice finding the light, even now, even here.
Thank you Laura. I feel this living in the Midwest. I reminded myself that the amount I can move my body in winter will have to go down. This is hard. Nice to read that it’s hard for you too. I’m happy you have that little walking treadmill.
Oh my...you know how you don’t know a thing, yet you feel a thing? This essay put language around my annual NE experience which I routinely forget and end up in a fog self-abuse with an intense desire to stay hold up in my bed with my dog wishing others would drop their expectations of me and leave me be at least until May. I needed to be reminded that this experience is real and driven by outside forces. I am alright.
Have not read Wintering yet, but since this is the second time, I’ve seen it mentioned, I will follow this breadcrumb to the book store to get a copy.
This is a huge part of why I left NH in 2010. The winters just sucked me dry. Yes, SLC sees a ton of snow, but it mostly stays in the mountains where it belongs, and it's sunny here almost every day. That makes a huge difference. (Also, I still get seasonal depression even here--it was just so much worse back east.) XO
Old resentments and looking for fights that aren't there. I am with you. So perfectly stated. I'll remember these words next time I am in the bathtub and in my head winning that argument and being right.
Thanks Laura, your writing always hits home. I am thankful for every space you have created, this, TLC, retreats, it all helps, especially in the frigid New England cold and dark, feeling it over here too (western mass).
I’ve just discovered this, and I LOVED IT. Sign me up! You wrote so beautifully. And I totally relate to the feelings you haul up, even if our Winter’s in England, UK may not be quite so brutal. They’re long, wet and tough too!
You are not a fraud, or a failure. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. Even if my physical body hadn't broken down and perished, my soul would not have survived. I'd be living a blurry half-life in torment. Instead, after 3 years of trying, 3 years since reading We Are The Luckiest, 3 years of telling myself to keep coming back (hearing your voice when mine was not strong enough) I am 5 and a half months sober. I'm creating a life I don't want to escape from. You are a huge part of that, because you put my feelings into words in your book, and helped me see I wasn't alone, and I shouldn't give up on myself. Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves and do what nature does in winter. Hibernate and feel no shame for it.
Sending love to you ❤️
The way your words roll with such poetic beauty, even when describing ordinary and or hard things is beautiful. I wish you would never doubt yourself and the value of your newsletter.
Happy Holidays Laura
Hi Kim :). Thank you. Happy holidays to you, too. xo
Hi Kim! It’s good to see you here 🤍 and I agree with all of this
Thank you, Laura. Your writing is so beautifully honest. It grounds me and allows me to experience the darker sides of life without shame and denial. When I read your thoughts and words I feel less alone. You also embrace the beauty of life at the same time and this gives me direction, hope and relief. Your writing brought me back to TLC recently and I'm so happy about that. I can't do this alone is so true. All the best and with much gratitude for you and TLC.
Trace, I'm so glad you're back in TLC. Thank you for these words; they mean a lot.
Laura, thank you for this essay today. I needed it more than my morning coffee and scone. This is a hard time of year for me for so many reasons. My entire family would go off the rails with mental illness and addiction in the dark months. I learned to dread the winter like a looming execution. And even now, with everyone in recovery and doing so so so much better... my spirit still remembers and fears the dark. I forget and try to ramp up and push through and it doesn't work. I've got a copy of Wintering sitting on my bedside table. Tonight I'm drawing a hot bath and reading it.
That makes so much sense. I didn't notice that with my family, but definitely see it all around me (and within me). Pushing through doesn't work; that's the challenge. We're supposed to surrender, or something. :) I hope Wintering helps.
This helped me make the connection about my family’s mental health and addiction issues ramping up in Winter. You are so right. The trauma from it still lingers.
I ALWAYS RELAPSE IN WINTER MONTHS. been trying this for four years now. Every single year I’ll get to that one year sobriety checkpoint and then BOOM: winter gloom hits and my brain thinks it’s time for another drink. Trying to utilize all my tools to prevent it from happening this year. I think I may start your second book over my break from physician assistant school.
I always feel a mix of weirdness and peace in the moments that I can seem to remember that feeling doubt is part of my human condition. The thing that is my thing, now, is to learn how to doubt gracefully. Definitely a step up from the bottom rung of the ladder of straight doubt + despair + depression, yada, yada, yada...
Thank you for writing this. I am a Caribbean gyal through and through and I have always hated Winter. Until two winters ago. Every molecule of life felt awful, but one cold day in January I randomly surrendered to Winter 100% because I just needed one less thing to suck. Since then, I have noticed that I have Winter Acceptance. Winter Insouciance even! I put my Uggs back on the shoe rack, unearth my ski jacket with the thermal lining, and can pause on a random frigid day and appreciate that everything is frozen and looks dead but it's not. I am winter - frozen and looking dead but I still have life. I won't ever love Winter. But it was a gift in a really crappy time and now Winter gives me hope that things have to die and get cold and dark before they can come back to life.
THANK YOU for this. Me fucking too.
LETS CRY TOGETHER
Climate change has left me unhappy on warm December days so my winter fears and discomforts take a different tact. I want snow and lots of it. But the darkness at 4:30 while walking my dog and dodging cars (and coyotes!) diminishes me. Here’s to the passing of Dec. 21 and the days growing longer. Feel better and enjoy your kitties.
I hear you on that. When it’s unseasonably warm, it’s so unsettling. My daughter screams about it every time we walk outside if it’s warm and it’s not supposed to be. SCREAMS.
“I woke up this morning, the wind in the windows. Reminded me winter was just round the bend. Somehow I just did not see it was coming. It took me by surprise again.” From OLD TENNESSEE by Dan Fogelberg ( also a Coloradan, or Was as he’s passed on now)
Gah. Love these lyrics.
They align nicely with your piece.
One of the most difficult and frustrating things about meditation practice (and that related practice-sobriety) is that it doesn't permanently fix everything. It isn't a cure, it's a practice, and I have to keep doing it. I've been sitting for thirty years and I STILL have to deal with this inner darkness, this insecurity, that "asshole" in my head? Yup. I practice finding the light, even now, even here.
Yup.
I'm sober now for almost 3 years. Your first book was a real help. Thank you again.
Thank you Laura. I feel this living in the Midwest. I reminded myself that the amount I can move my body in winter will have to go down. This is hard. Nice to read that it’s hard for you too. I’m happy you have that little walking treadmill.
It is SO hard. So hard. We can do hard things?
Oh my...you know how you don’t know a thing, yet you feel a thing? This essay put language around my annual NE experience which I routinely forget and end up in a fog self-abuse with an intense desire to stay hold up in my bed with my dog wishing others would drop their expectations of me and leave me be at least until May. I needed to be reminded that this experience is real and driven by outside forces. I am alright.
Have not read Wintering yet, but since this is the second time, I’ve seen it mentioned, I will follow this breadcrumb to the book store to get a copy.
This is a huge part of why I left NH in 2010. The winters just sucked me dry. Yes, SLC sees a ton of snow, but it mostly stays in the mountains where it belongs, and it's sunny here almost every day. That makes a huge difference. (Also, I still get seasonal depression even here--it was just so much worse back east.) XO
Yep, you get it. Utah is much the same as CO. When A graduates, we will likely fleeeee like the wind!
Old resentments and looking for fights that aren't there. I am with you. So perfectly stated. I'll remember these words next time I am in the bathtub and in my head winning that argument and being right.
Thanks Laura, your writing always hits home. I am thankful for every space you have created, this, TLC, retreats, it all helps, especially in the frigid New England cold and dark, feeling it over here too (western mass).
I’ve just discovered this, and I LOVED IT. Sign me up! You wrote so beautifully. And I totally relate to the feelings you haul up, even if our Winter’s in England, UK may not be quite so brutal. They’re long, wet and tough too!