This is such an important and relevant topic for me. I've been doing some deep work around these ego defense mechanisms like fawning and I can relate: I tend to fawn more than I freeze. As a lifelong people pleaser trying to shed that skin, I am getting better at recognizing myself in mid-fawn stance and say, "Hey, wait a second! I need to pay attention to what I am feeling. I need to pay attention to me, not this other person causing me distress." I'm learning a lot in recent months about Internal Family Systems and tending to my inner child. It's powerful work. Thank you for sharing this.
Wow. I think I blushed reading this. This topic is so aligned with a workshop I attended just last weekend all about co-dependency, intimacy, and relationship attachment styles. Fight, flight or freeze never felt quite right. I am indeed a fawn-responder, but after the initial cringe recognizing myself here, there’s reassurance in seeing my growth in this area as I reclaim Self. I lived most of my life unaware that the subconscious script in my head was: “I’m not even sure I like you, but I need you to love me” or “Are we ok so that I can be ok?” I’m feeling the deer reference, too, as years ago (like early 90s) I was christened a “Doe” as my spirit animal by summer camp counselors during this bonfire ceremony. It always felt right, and fawn and doe have “randomly” appeared to me at key moments throughout my life. So it’s cool to recognize that I’m willing to walk beside my fawn-response now. She has much to teach me about fear, choice and Self. ✨
Jaw dropping. This is me. I have been doing this my whole life. I bond with my enemy. I sell myself out. I make it my fault. I make myself small. I give them power and pieces of me, over and over. Thanks for the eye opener. Glad I have some terminology to work with now!
This is so weird. The same thing just happened to me with someone who gas lights me into believing that I am the crazy one. I looked back on my notes from "The Practice" and the question from Week 4 / Power / Day 25 asked: Who am I pretending to like? Why? The same person is in my response. The forth "F" is so spot on. Thanks Laura
What a really great piece. Oof, I used to be that person in a lot of ways, and reading that put a knot in my stomach b/c now I understand how unhealthy it was. I would always belly up to the people that hurt me. I think I'm a recovering fawner....I've gotten a lot better with all of those "attributes" except deferring decision making. That one I still struggle with b/c I don't trust myself to make the right one...I poll everyone. Again, great piece! Thank you!!
This article makes me think. I definitely fawn. I can see it in past relationships. I stop, ask for what I want, say no, and then fear takes over and I backtrack, apologize, and then get mad at myself. Thanks for this article.
This is an FFT for me IE: First, fucking, Time, I have seen this. As I gain more and more freedom "sobriety" these new awareness's continue to show up for me. And the best part is, is that I am aware enough to see them, and connect them them to the dots in my life, the squiggle line I follow to the present moment, as I shed the old layers of resistance to what is! Thank you so much for this clarity!!
Yikes! I’m a fawn through and through, doe eyes and all. Jeez. It was both uncomfortable and comforting to read this. I can relate to befriending the mistress. I even took a girl who was impregnated by my partner to the clinic! The perceived need to merge rather than stand my ground is my default. Wow. Thank you for this share. As I become more self-aware, I am metaphorically growing bigger. 💗
This completely makes sense to me and is a revelation. I had a narcissistic parent growing up and struggle so much with interactions with them now and I can think of so many relationships, romantic or otherwise, where I've repeated this pattern. I feel I'm drawn to this personality type. I just ended a relationship in the last couple of months and I think its the first time I've realized in real time the fawn behavior I was doing. It certainly hasn't made it easier to move on from, but it does feel like a relief to know what the deal is. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Oh wow - I teeter tot between fawn & flight depending on the day/person/interaction. Which really confuses me & is something I’m earnestly trying to figure out. The way you lay all this out is so helpful. It’s wild how much of this is imbedded in our subconscious.
Thank you for writing this. 5 months sober and my anger lately is overwhelming. Today it was palpable and for no specific reason, it’s beyond unsettling. I know that quitting alcohol will stir up feelings that I’ve been numbing but need to learn more to understand what is happening. I feel adrift and not the relief or happiness that I thought I would feel. I read this and it helped immensely. I fawn (never heard this term before) and specially with a very close family member. I read your first book and ordering the second. I guess I just want to say thank you. Your words and honesty are extremely helpful.
Very uncomfortably raise my hand to say this is me. I even do this with my adult kids. I’m so afraid to do anything they won’t approve if. How crazy is that. So. Much. Work. To. Do.
This is such an important and relevant topic for me. I've been doing some deep work around these ego defense mechanisms like fawning and I can relate: I tend to fawn more than I freeze. As a lifelong people pleaser trying to shed that skin, I am getting better at recognizing myself in mid-fawn stance and say, "Hey, wait a second! I need to pay attention to what I am feeling. I need to pay attention to me, not this other person causing me distress." I'm learning a lot in recent months about Internal Family Systems and tending to my inner child. It's powerful work. Thank you for sharing this.
Wow. I think I blushed reading this. This topic is so aligned with a workshop I attended just last weekend all about co-dependency, intimacy, and relationship attachment styles. Fight, flight or freeze never felt quite right. I am indeed a fawn-responder, but after the initial cringe recognizing myself here, there’s reassurance in seeing my growth in this area as I reclaim Self. I lived most of my life unaware that the subconscious script in my head was: “I’m not even sure I like you, but I need you to love me” or “Are we ok so that I can be ok?” I’m feeling the deer reference, too, as years ago (like early 90s) I was christened a “Doe” as my spirit animal by summer camp counselors during this bonfire ceremony. It always felt right, and fawn and doe have “randomly” appeared to me at key moments throughout my life. So it’s cool to recognize that I’m willing to walk beside my fawn-response now. She has much to teach me about fear, choice and Self. ✨
Jaw dropping. This is me. I have been doing this my whole life. I bond with my enemy. I sell myself out. I make it my fault. I make myself small. I give them power and pieces of me, over and over. Thanks for the eye opener. Glad I have some terminology to work with now!
This is so weird. The same thing just happened to me with someone who gas lights me into believing that I am the crazy one. I looked back on my notes from "The Practice" and the question from Week 4 / Power / Day 25 asked: Who am I pretending to like? Why? The same person is in my response. The forth "F" is so spot on. Thanks Laura
What a really great piece. Oof, I used to be that person in a lot of ways, and reading that put a knot in my stomach b/c now I understand how unhealthy it was. I would always belly up to the people that hurt me. I think I'm a recovering fawner....I've gotten a lot better with all of those "attributes" except deferring decision making. That one I still struggle with b/c I don't trust myself to make the right one...I poll everyone. Again, great piece! Thank you!!
This article makes me think. I definitely fawn. I can see it in past relationships. I stop, ask for what I want, say no, and then fear takes over and I backtrack, apologize, and then get mad at myself. Thanks for this article.
This is an FFT for me IE: First, fucking, Time, I have seen this. As I gain more and more freedom "sobriety" these new awareness's continue to show up for me. And the best part is, is that I am aware enough to see them, and connect them them to the dots in my life, the squiggle line I follow to the present moment, as I shed the old layers of resistance to what is! Thank you so much for this clarity!!
Yikes! I’m a fawn through and through, doe eyes and all. Jeez. It was both uncomfortable and comforting to read this. I can relate to befriending the mistress. I even took a girl who was impregnated by my partner to the clinic! The perceived need to merge rather than stand my ground is my default. Wow. Thank you for this share. As I become more self-aware, I am metaphorically growing bigger. 💗
I don't fawn, people please or kiss anybody's ass and haven't for a long time. It is unhealthy. I don't seek approval either.
This completely makes sense to me and is a revelation. I had a narcissistic parent growing up and struggle so much with interactions with them now and I can think of so many relationships, romantic or otherwise, where I've repeated this pattern. I feel I'm drawn to this personality type. I just ended a relationship in the last couple of months and I think its the first time I've realized in real time the fawn behavior I was doing. It certainly hasn't made it easier to move on from, but it does feel like a relief to know what the deal is. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Oh wow - I teeter tot between fawn & flight depending on the day/person/interaction. Which really confuses me & is something I’m earnestly trying to figure out. The way you lay all this out is so helpful. It’s wild how much of this is imbedded in our subconscious.
Thank you for writing this. 5 months sober and my anger lately is overwhelming. Today it was palpable and for no specific reason, it’s beyond unsettling. I know that quitting alcohol will stir up feelings that I’ve been numbing but need to learn more to understand what is happening. I feel adrift and not the relief or happiness that I thought I would feel. I read this and it helped immensely. I fawn (never heard this term before) and specially with a very close family member. I read your first book and ordering the second. I guess I just want to say thank you. Your words and honesty are extremely helpful.
Yikes almighty. You are right, I am cringing at how I’ve done this as well.
Very uncomfortably raise my hand to say this is me. I even do this with my adult kids. I’m so afraid to do anything they won’t approve if. How crazy is that. So. Much. Work. To. Do.
Wow, that really resonated for me. Thank you.
Laura you’re brilliant. Thank you for writing and sharing this. This is so helpful for me