Internalized misogyny is a bacteria infecting so many us. I am without kids by choice and at 47, people are finally leaving me alone about it. But from the day I got married at 21 until I was about 45, I got a lot of hassle about it. 95% of it from other women. I have no idea what it’s like to be a parent, but it looks really, really hard from here. I wish for a future where we can have more compassion for each other, in all of our different journeys.
Laura, thank you. As a married person with almost all weeks "on duty," I know that I am not able to truly nurture other important elements of myself, and I think my girls aren't seeing the full me because of it. I see the benefits of your daughter watching you take that time to grow and learn and succeed!
On the commiserating side. I am a 52-year-old mom of toddlers and dare not speak publicly of this because of the mom shaming. You and I spoke about this once and you encouraged me to think about what benefits there are to having children later, and I took that in deeply, but also find my confidence is fragile with OTHER MOMS. I recently saw that Hillary Swank posted a beautiful pic of her new babies and the comments were so hateful. I guess if it isn't one thing, it is another. I love your honesty because we can all take a deep breath and know that it is always something for everyone - we are never alone.
"I am not Mother first; I am Mother, also." YES ! I felt this in my bones as a separated/divorced mom of two since 2010 with 50/50 shared custody with a fully responsible, engaged, agreeable co-parent. While I've labeled myself a single mom over the years, I am truly not alone in the parenting lift which is a privilege.
I love hearing nuanced parenting stories like this. America’s individualistic approach to *everything* does such a disservice to all of us. Why do we expect mothers to do it all?!? There are communities and villages who acknowledge the difficulty of parenting so they do what they can to support one another. But not here. Here, we shame parents (mothers) for having lives outside of their children. Hopefully people will read your story and learn that there are so many different ways to be a parent. Keep shining, queen! ✨
Thank you. I am a divorced mom with split custody and yes, the shame is real. The reality is my child gets the best of both parents, even though we aren’t together. Is it what I thought I was getting into when she was born? No. Does that make it wrong? Also no.
Yes! My relationships with my now college aged kids are way better. I’m still working on the generational trauma I passed onto my daughter and dealing with all the Mother Hunger stuff. It’s intense. I feel all of this and stayed in that “mom shame” cycle for years but my ex husband was not so obliging and I believed those lies too.
Oh, the work we continue to do to grow into our highest selves by undoing, relearning and simply accepting. Love you buddy. ❌⭕️
One of my friends and I got into a heated argument over the MU post. The friend was certain that I would agree with her the MU was a monster. I don't. I am VERY open with people that the best part of my divorce is that I get every-other weekend "off." Honest to God, I don't know how married people do it: someone is ALWAYS THERE. You're NEVER ALONE. That sounds like my personal version of hell.
Maybe I'd feel differently if this were 20 years ago and I wasn't able to text with my kid the whole time they were gone. But, honestly, I don't think so. I love my kids. They're fun people, I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them, and I'm always happy to see them when they come home again. My daughter is going to camp this summer for a week and it's phone-free, so I won't be able to chat with her; I'm sure I'll miss her then. But by and large, when my kids are away, I'm not sitting around pining for them, wondering wistfully about what they're doing. I'm basking in the fucking silence. I'm reading a book and doing some cross stitch and going for a walk.
They know I enjoy my alone time; I've told them. There are certainly at least a dozen ways I've scarred my children and a million things they'll have to discuss with their therapists in 15 years. But I'm confident that me enjoying my "time off" isn't going to make the list.
Love, love this! Earlier this week I confessed on Facebook that I do in fact regret taking 9 1/2 years off from my professional work to stay home and care for my children and husband. It’s what my “Christian” upbringing told me was my highest calling. I now feel scammed. Now divorced, I see my children less. And it’s ok. Like you it’s given me the space I need to heal from a 20 year toxic marriage to an abusive man. And he gets to hone his Dad skills that were lacking when I stayed home all those years. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes and No. I’m ok with the ambiguity. It is, and I get to find me again.
My heart feels seen... I got divorced 6 years ago when my oldest was 7 and my youngest had just turned w. My 2 younger kids literally don't remember a time when their dad and I were together. We share 50/50 custody in the same arrangement as you. We've remained friendly and always put our kids lives & happiness ahead of our differences. I firmly believe I made the best decision for my children by leaving.
I also feel zero guilt for living my life on the weeks they are away. I'm able to travel and take some time for myself to recharge. When I was married I had 100% of the responsibility 100% of the time and I was beyond burned out. Their dad and I both drank to hide from the problems in our marriage. Since the divorce we have both gotten sober and that never would have happened if we stayed together.
I am a better mother for having some space and the ability to prioritize my own needs. Do I miss them like crazy? Of course! Do I love them more than anything in the world? 1000%! But I wouldn't change our arrangement.
Thank you for speaking words that mothers like us need to hear so we don't feel so alone 💜💜💜
Mom-shaming by other moms is such an important issue to address! The fear and judgment extends not only to divorced mothers, but anyone who is doing something different. I remember moving from Manhattan to Asheville, NC in 1986 and taking a half-time job. Soon after I got pregnant with our first child. All of my mother friends up north thought I was braindead for only working half time while mothers I’d met in the South thought I was being an irresponsible mom to work at all. It forced me to make a choice and trust myself. Later, when my teenager became addicted to drugs, the shame and blame started again. (What kind of mother would let that happen?!) Mothers in all situations need acceptance, support and compassion--especially from other moms--but first we have to change the collective guilt we carry around as women. We need to find mentors and role models to show us the way to believe in ourselves rather than expect perfection.
Thank you, Laura. ❤️ Mom-on-Mom hate is real. After reading this (not surprised) it made me think about all the careful planning it takes to avoid that hate and how most of us do it. The bravery to be open and honest is like next level emotional sobriety. I happen to be unpacking that kinda thing right now so it’s very timely. Also... this particular TS lyric hits me EVERY TIME. I think I audibly exclaimed “YES!” when I saw the notification come up. 🙃
I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home/have-a-side-hustle/trying-to-work-my-shit-out-in-therapy mom. It is fucking exhausting.
I know moms who love summers. They cry when they're over. I cry when they begin. Does that make one of us a narcissist and the other a saint? My mother was an actual narcissist. It penetrates almost every conversation and interaction. I'm not blaming my issues on my mom - but her parenting style included shame, gaslighting, silent treatment and "mind over matter". She was there 100% of the time and wouldn't let me forget all she did and sacrificed for me.
When are we ever going to get out of binary thinking? It's just not one way or another. Being physically present 100% of the time doesn't make you a thoughtful parent. Being physically present 50% of the time doesn't make you a shitty or narcissistic one either. Kids need honesty - there are age-appropriate limits for sure - but when you see your parents being honest and free and kind, it gives you permission to be the same.
Did it for a decade. A gift to our entire family - all of us. I’ve had friends say that they wish they could organize it, that they’d be closer to their kids if they could be together half time. Thank you for writing this. Gives me courage to write our story someday.
YES!!!!!!! Laura, thank you for these words; I’m feeling a release of burden and shame I did not realize I felt. Your words, sharing them and you are a true gift. ❤️❤️❤️
All of this. And no one - not one single person - would ever criticize a guy for saying this.
Internalized misogyny is a bacteria infecting so many us. I am without kids by choice and at 47, people are finally leaving me alone about it. But from the day I got married at 21 until I was about 45, I got a lot of hassle about it. 95% of it from other women. I have no idea what it’s like to be a parent, but it looks really, really hard from here. I wish for a future where we can have more compassion for each other, in all of our different journeys.
Laura, thank you. As a married person with almost all weeks "on duty," I know that I am not able to truly nurture other important elements of myself, and I think my girls aren't seeing the full me because of it. I see the benefits of your daughter watching you take that time to grow and learn and succeed!
On the commiserating side. I am a 52-year-old mom of toddlers and dare not speak publicly of this because of the mom shaming. You and I spoke about this once and you encouraged me to think about what benefits there are to having children later, and I took that in deeply, but also find my confidence is fragile with OTHER MOMS. I recently saw that Hillary Swank posted a beautiful pic of her new babies and the comments were so hateful. I guess if it isn't one thing, it is another. I love your honesty because we can all take a deep breath and know that it is always something for everyone - we are never alone.
"I am not Mother first; I am Mother, also." YES ! I felt this in my bones as a separated/divorced mom of two since 2010 with 50/50 shared custody with a fully responsible, engaged, agreeable co-parent. While I've labeled myself a single mom over the years, I am truly not alone in the parenting lift which is a privilege.
I love hearing nuanced parenting stories like this. America’s individualistic approach to *everything* does such a disservice to all of us. Why do we expect mothers to do it all?!? There are communities and villages who acknowledge the difficulty of parenting so they do what they can to support one another. But not here. Here, we shame parents (mothers) for having lives outside of their children. Hopefully people will read your story and learn that there are so many different ways to be a parent. Keep shining, queen! ✨
Thank you. I am a divorced mom with split custody and yes, the shame is real. The reality is my child gets the best of both parents, even though we aren’t together. Is it what I thought I was getting into when she was born? No. Does that make it wrong? Also no.
Yes! My relationships with my now college aged kids are way better. I’m still working on the generational trauma I passed onto my daughter and dealing with all the Mother Hunger stuff. It’s intense. I feel all of this and stayed in that “mom shame” cycle for years but my ex husband was not so obliging and I believed those lies too.
Oh, the work we continue to do to grow into our highest selves by undoing, relearning and simply accepting. Love you buddy. ❌⭕️
One of my friends and I got into a heated argument over the MU post. The friend was certain that I would agree with her the MU was a monster. I don't. I am VERY open with people that the best part of my divorce is that I get every-other weekend "off." Honest to God, I don't know how married people do it: someone is ALWAYS THERE. You're NEVER ALONE. That sounds like my personal version of hell.
Maybe I'd feel differently if this were 20 years ago and I wasn't able to text with my kid the whole time they were gone. But, honestly, I don't think so. I love my kids. They're fun people, I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them, and I'm always happy to see them when they come home again. My daughter is going to camp this summer for a week and it's phone-free, so I won't be able to chat with her; I'm sure I'll miss her then. But by and large, when my kids are away, I'm not sitting around pining for them, wondering wistfully about what they're doing. I'm basking in the fucking silence. I'm reading a book and doing some cross stitch and going for a walk.
They know I enjoy my alone time; I've told them. There are certainly at least a dozen ways I've scarred my children and a million things they'll have to discuss with their therapists in 15 years. But I'm confident that me enjoying my "time off" isn't going to make the list.
Love, love this! Earlier this week I confessed on Facebook that I do in fact regret taking 9 1/2 years off from my professional work to stay home and care for my children and husband. It’s what my “Christian” upbringing told me was my highest calling. I now feel scammed. Now divorced, I see my children less. And it’s ok. Like you it’s given me the space I need to heal from a 20 year toxic marriage to an abusive man. And he gets to hone his Dad skills that were lacking when I stayed home all those years. Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes and No. I’m ok with the ambiguity. It is, and I get to find me again.
My heart feels seen... I got divorced 6 years ago when my oldest was 7 and my youngest had just turned w. My 2 younger kids literally don't remember a time when their dad and I were together. We share 50/50 custody in the same arrangement as you. We've remained friendly and always put our kids lives & happiness ahead of our differences. I firmly believe I made the best decision for my children by leaving.
I also feel zero guilt for living my life on the weeks they are away. I'm able to travel and take some time for myself to recharge. When I was married I had 100% of the responsibility 100% of the time and I was beyond burned out. Their dad and I both drank to hide from the problems in our marriage. Since the divorce we have both gotten sober and that never would have happened if we stayed together.
I am a better mother for having some space and the ability to prioritize my own needs. Do I miss them like crazy? Of course! Do I love them more than anything in the world? 1000%! But I wouldn't change our arrangement.
Thank you for speaking words that mothers like us need to hear so we don't feel so alone 💜💜💜
Mom-shaming by other moms is such an important issue to address! The fear and judgment extends not only to divorced mothers, but anyone who is doing something different. I remember moving from Manhattan to Asheville, NC in 1986 and taking a half-time job. Soon after I got pregnant with our first child. All of my mother friends up north thought I was braindead for only working half time while mothers I’d met in the South thought I was being an irresponsible mom to work at all. It forced me to make a choice and trust myself. Later, when my teenager became addicted to drugs, the shame and blame started again. (What kind of mother would let that happen?!) Mothers in all situations need acceptance, support and compassion--especially from other moms--but first we have to change the collective guilt we carry around as women. We need to find mentors and role models to show us the way to believe in ourselves rather than expect perfection.
Thank you, Laura. ❤️ Mom-on-Mom hate is real. After reading this (not surprised) it made me think about all the careful planning it takes to avoid that hate and how most of us do it. The bravery to be open and honest is like next level emotional sobriety. I happen to be unpacking that kinda thing right now so it’s very timely. Also... this particular TS lyric hits me EVERY TIME. I think I audibly exclaimed “YES!” when I saw the notification come up. 🙃
I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home/have-a-side-hustle/trying-to-work-my-shit-out-in-therapy mom. It is fucking exhausting.
I know moms who love summers. They cry when they're over. I cry when they begin. Does that make one of us a narcissist and the other a saint? My mother was an actual narcissist. It penetrates almost every conversation and interaction. I'm not blaming my issues on my mom - but her parenting style included shame, gaslighting, silent treatment and "mind over matter". She was there 100% of the time and wouldn't let me forget all she did and sacrificed for me.
When are we ever going to get out of binary thinking? It's just not one way or another. Being physically present 100% of the time doesn't make you a thoughtful parent. Being physically present 50% of the time doesn't make you a shitty or narcissistic one either. Kids need honesty - there are age-appropriate limits for sure - but when you see your parents being honest and free and kind, it gives you permission to be the same.
Did it for a decade. A gift to our entire family - all of us. I’ve had friends say that they wish they could organize it, that they’d be closer to their kids if they could be together half time. Thank you for writing this. Gives me courage to write our story someday.
YES!!!!!!! Laura, thank you for these words; I’m feeling a release of burden and shame I did not realize I felt. Your words, sharing them and you are a true gift. ❤️❤️❤️
Something in that freed me. Thank you ❤