I love this! I used to say that I only had two friends because of my narrow understanding of friendships. That isn't true anymore - I have friends now that I may only see in meetings, some that I talk to maybe once every few months to catch up, some that I see on Sundays only, some I work with, etc. I love this understanding that friendships don't all have to be the same in order to have meaning!
This felt almost liberating. Why was I subtly discounting all of these other types of friendships that are indeed important and fun and meaningful? So interesting - thanks!!
This is super eye opening and freeing at the same time. What a much better way to allow friendships of all types to just be instead of my usual pick apart mentality because they aren't what I thought a "friendship" should be. Thanks for breaking this down so well, Laura.
My friendships in the past 10 years of having a kid have shifted so much and are not nearly as intimate. But I love these new people and I need them in my life, even if only to commiserate about the school calendar or to go to yoga class with. Thanks for validating this experience! I think my whole life I've wondered if I'm "doing friendship right" b/c it never looks like the tropes.
OMGoodness...I soooooo get this!! Thank you for this book synopsis. I can look at all my diff friendships on the level that it's meant to be at and for the purpose it's meant to serve! xo
Yes me too! I have been somewhat of a friend “snob” ; they only counted if we had deep heart-to-heart conversations. Also judged the men in my life as not having “real” friends because they were so “shallow”. Judgemental much Trish??!!! Thanks so much for this Laura!!
Like has already been mentioned in the comments to all 3 parts of this friendship series I now have a place to put my feelings around this. I don't feel alone anymore or part of some small group of women who have been ghosted by someone special. This has made me look at my part and how I have treated other women as well. I especially like the part (mentioned in part 2 maybe?) about how a shift can now be made from victim to villain (or some other word...anything really to get me out of victim). I had a story in my head that I have been carrying around for so long about how it all went down and how she was awful and I was left scratching my head with a broken heart and now I can see both sides better and most importantly I can RELEASE THAT STORY!! Your gift to articulate language that aligns with my emotions helps me release stuck things in my life. Thank you for doing the work you do that helps us all so much. xoxoxo Laura B
A good friend of mine once told me that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have found this to be very true. I always use these when trying to decide in my head why someone is in my life and what category I need to put them in. It helps me to understand why people come in and out of my life. <3
I have always had these kinds of relationships but I called them acquaintances.
When I was in my 20’s and 30’s, before all the socials and internets, I had friendships that lasted for years and they were like my sisters! I only needed 2 or 3 good friends.Even in my 40’s I had long lasting relationships but they were a bit different because this is when my drinking was at its worst. I was 47 when I made the promise to myself to stop drinking. I literally had to break up with all my friends because I realized at the time, they all revolved around drinking.
I need to point out, I have never been married and I don’t have any children.
So, this is what I am trying to say. All the acquaintances and frivolous friendships are great, but when you don’t have 1 single person to confide in who truly cares about you, that’s when you know and find out what friendship really means. I am now 52 and it’s hard to meet new friends as we get older. Just the other day, I ran into someone at Starbucks and she asked me if I was Liz, from The New Social, and we are FB friends, but then she also started saying, “do we know each other because I don’t usually accept random friends”? Leave it to FB and IG to start a whole new way of finding friends....NOW. I did have a few very lonely years when i started my sober journey, and I will be 2 years sober in June. I am still lonely but grateful I am sober and grateful for all my acquaintances. We all know how important human connection is.
Love this so much. Emotional depth is not always necessary. Very freeing! Let's celebrate the wide and varied friendships that may not be super deep. Thank you for distilling this for us, Laura!
This just articulated, as your words for me often do, something I felt like I have often been on the precipice of being able to articulate myself but have never quite been able to. Especially the part that you discuss with T's friends. My husband is a marathon runner and he will go on these long runs with his running friends and come back and have ZERO fucking information for me about what is happening in theses people's lives he just spent 3 hours pounding the pavement with and it used to blow my mind. Because when I ran all I wanted to do was talk to the people I was running with to distract from the pain in my body. And now I do feel like a bit of a "holier than thou" asshole in some of my comments to him with this because these running friendships are in fact deep, steady and true. Also it made me think of another convo between my husband and I when I was describing a "mom friend" that I didn't think I could super close with because she wasn't giving me much. I am like - especially in sobriety - with my friends we either go big or go home, because I don't have time to sit around and bullshit about the weather, we need to get to the good stuff pretty quick :). But my husband gently told me "Molly, not everyone WANTS to go there." And I think I piously thought its because people are not as "deep or evolved as me" but that's just not the case. This gives me a lot to think about and really puts me in my place, so thank you (and my husband will thank you later I am sure).
Also when you brought up childhood, it reminds me a bit of the important of parallel play in toddler friends. I have son who is 3 and his ride or die buddy obviously knows zero about his deepest thoughts and desires but their friendship is rock solid.
So my question to you is this - will you be writing about this in book number 3 with the love addiction stuff? Because doesn't it parallel some? It lights up for me but maybe I am off base. Either way this is all incredibly fascinating and so I am SO glad you are bringing it here.
Love this. This is so helpful for introverts because too many deep relationships are actually overwhelming for us and very hard to maintain. We’re always feeling like we aren’t meeting someone’s needs. So helpful to spell it out like this. I have work friends, a walking friend, a once a year friend. All equally important ❤️
I love this! I used to say that I only had two friends because of my narrow understanding of friendships. That isn't true anymore - I have friends now that I may only see in meetings, some that I talk to maybe once every few months to catch up, some that I see on Sundays only, some I work with, etc. I love this understanding that friendships don't all have to be the same in order to have meaning!
This felt almost liberating. Why was I subtly discounting all of these other types of friendships that are indeed important and fun and meaningful? So interesting - thanks!!
This is super eye opening and freeing at the same time. What a much better way to allow friendships of all types to just be instead of my usual pick apart mentality because they aren't what I thought a "friendship" should be. Thanks for breaking this down so well, Laura.
My friendships in the past 10 years of having a kid have shifted so much and are not nearly as intimate. But I love these new people and I need them in my life, even if only to commiserate about the school calendar or to go to yoga class with. Thanks for validating this experience! I think my whole life I've wondered if I'm "doing friendship right" b/c it never looks like the tropes.
OMGoodness...I soooooo get this!! Thank you for this book synopsis. I can look at all my diff friendships on the level that it's meant to be at and for the purpose it's meant to serve! xo
Yes me too! I have been somewhat of a friend “snob” ; they only counted if we had deep heart-to-heart conversations. Also judged the men in my life as not having “real” friends because they were so “shallow”. Judgemental much Trish??!!! Thanks so much for this Laura!!
I miss La Jolla! Worked there when I lived in SD a few years circa 2006/7
Like has already been mentioned in the comments to all 3 parts of this friendship series I now have a place to put my feelings around this. I don't feel alone anymore or part of some small group of women who have been ghosted by someone special. This has made me look at my part and how I have treated other women as well. I especially like the part (mentioned in part 2 maybe?) about how a shift can now be made from victim to villain (or some other word...anything really to get me out of victim). I had a story in my head that I have been carrying around for so long about how it all went down and how she was awful and I was left scratching my head with a broken heart and now I can see both sides better and most importantly I can RELEASE THAT STORY!! Your gift to articulate language that aligns with my emotions helps me release stuck things in my life. Thank you for doing the work you do that helps us all so much. xoxoxo Laura B
A good friend of mine once told me that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have found this to be very true. I always use these when trying to decide in my head why someone is in my life and what category I need to put them in. It helps me to understand why people come in and out of my life. <3
I have always had these kinds of relationships but I called them acquaintances.
When I was in my 20’s and 30’s, before all the socials and internets, I had friendships that lasted for years and they were like my sisters! I only needed 2 or 3 good friends.Even in my 40’s I had long lasting relationships but they were a bit different because this is when my drinking was at its worst. I was 47 when I made the promise to myself to stop drinking. I literally had to break up with all my friends because I realized at the time, they all revolved around drinking.
I need to point out, I have never been married and I don’t have any children.
So, this is what I am trying to say. All the acquaintances and frivolous friendships are great, but when you don’t have 1 single person to confide in who truly cares about you, that’s when you know and find out what friendship really means. I am now 52 and it’s hard to meet new friends as we get older. Just the other day, I ran into someone at Starbucks and she asked me if I was Liz, from The New Social, and we are FB friends, but then she also started saying, “do we know each other because I don’t usually accept random friends”? Leave it to FB and IG to start a whole new way of finding friends....NOW. I did have a few very lonely years when i started my sober journey, and I will be 2 years sober in June. I am still lonely but grateful I am sober and grateful for all my acquaintances. We all know how important human connection is.
Love this so much. Emotional depth is not always necessary. Very freeing! Let's celebrate the wide and varied friendships that may not be super deep. Thank you for distilling this for us, Laura!
Perfect- thanks Laura!! And that was an incredibly fast response 😉😘
This just articulated, as your words for me often do, something I felt like I have often been on the precipice of being able to articulate myself but have never quite been able to. Especially the part that you discuss with T's friends. My husband is a marathon runner and he will go on these long runs with his running friends and come back and have ZERO fucking information for me about what is happening in theses people's lives he just spent 3 hours pounding the pavement with and it used to blow my mind. Because when I ran all I wanted to do was talk to the people I was running with to distract from the pain in my body. And now I do feel like a bit of a "holier than thou" asshole in some of my comments to him with this because these running friendships are in fact deep, steady and true. Also it made me think of another convo between my husband and I when I was describing a "mom friend" that I didn't think I could super close with because she wasn't giving me much. I am like - especially in sobriety - with my friends we either go big or go home, because I don't have time to sit around and bullshit about the weather, we need to get to the good stuff pretty quick :). But my husband gently told me "Molly, not everyone WANTS to go there." And I think I piously thought its because people are not as "deep or evolved as me" but that's just not the case. This gives me a lot to think about and really puts me in my place, so thank you (and my husband will thank you later I am sure).
Also when you brought up childhood, it reminds me a bit of the important of parallel play in toddler friends. I have son who is 3 and his ride or die buddy obviously knows zero about his deepest thoughts and desires but their friendship is rock solid.
So my question to you is this - will you be writing about this in book number 3 with the love addiction stuff? Because doesn't it parallel some? It lights up for me but maybe I am off base. Either way this is all incredibly fascinating and so I am SO glad you are bringing it here.
Love this. This is so helpful for introverts because too many deep relationships are actually overwhelming for us and very hard to maintain. We’re always feeling like we aren’t meeting someone’s needs. So helpful to spell it out like this. I have work friends, a walking friend, a once a year friend. All equally important ❤️
Love love love ❤️
LAURA!!! This is 💡🤯!!! You just gave me so many more friends than I thought I had!