This feels true in so many places for me right now: “Do I care enough to do differently? (I know the answer to that one: No.)”
And I DO care about many things deeply. But I’m becoming (perhaps a little) too good at playing the tape forward and seeing that, even in the best case scenario, many things are too energetically expensive to make them worth it. While this isn’t new for me, it seems to be speeding up the older I get (I’m about to turn 49) and the longer I spend in sobriety (just passed 4 years).
Thank you for your beautiful, powerful writing, Laura. No MFA needed!
Thanks for sharing. Your commitment to authenticity is very inspiring and something I need to continue to reminded of. I can't imagine how it must feel when the stakes are higher like in your circumstance but in my world I still find it very challenging, even in sobriety. Moving to a new place makes me feel all kinds of "new girl" vibes, to the point where I have been really lonely for in-person connection and little thoughts of acting like someone that I know I am not or doing things I don't want to do for the mere platitude of feeling like a "fit in." These thoughts are fleeting thought but something that makes me curious as to WTF is going on here.
What I have realized is that I must go back to the practices that led to myself in the first place. The getting up before my kids/husband almost daily to journal/meditate/read and spending time with myself is ESSENTIAL to that connection. I got very lost from myself in this recent move to a new city, I underestimated the magnitude of it, and I found myself in dark depression. I tried to "get by" without doing these practices that others don't seem to need to stay on course because I told myself other things were important and I will be fine this far into sobriety. It has forced me to almost go back to those teachings in early sobriety and get crystal clear on my non-negotiables so I can keep the connection between and my higher Self, between me and the Divine, clean.
Because what is at stake if I don't do that? I lose it all, I lose my sense of self, my clarity, and that is everything to me. That is what keeps at the center of the life I don't want to escape from. It certainly won't keep me from experiencing what you experienced and what I am experiencing being the "new girl in town" but it will help ground me in it in a way where I can come out on the other side of it with my values, sobriety and sense of self intact.
So as much of a pain in the ass as it is to get up at the crack of dawn, I guess I will keep doing it! (At least until my kids sleep in a little later and I know I can have this precious time at a more reasonable hour)
I think it’s amazing how you talk to yourself with kindness and nudge yourself into situations that you find difficult. Kudos to you for going to the event. And, FWIW, I don’t think the MFA matters one bit in terms of your ability! Also, journaling totally counts!!
Whew, Laura. It's me, the gal who approached to the table after your panel to tell you how much I appreciate your Substack. Also the gal about to wrap her MFA from a local college and still feels like an imposter much of the time because it's not one of the fancy schools (funny how we always find a reason to invalidate the impulse to do the thing because some person once told us we needed permission to do it). I was so happy to sit in that room and feel like a human again. Thanks for helping me feel a little bit more like I belong—at writerly conferences, and on the page.
PS. Approximately four people feel at home at AWP and, as Anne Lamott put it, we don't like them very much.
Knowing how much I admire and respect you, it’s inexplicable to me that you would ever have these feelings. On the other hand, I know how the brain works and nobody is immune from them. Once I heard Oprah and Barack Obama talk about feeling similar to what you describe, I realized nobody is safe!
Thank you for writing so honestly about this. It helps.
I was listening to a podcast this past week where the guest was saying how they “don’t make sense on paper” and that really struck me. There is so much that can stop us from doing things because we think there is a certain way they must be done. BUT, given the resonance your article is having with so many of us I think we can all just go ahead and not make sense and just do the things! 😆 This share is huge, Laura and so completely relatable. So much “shoulding” but who the F is making and patrolling these shouldy rules?! I’ll stick with not making sense on paper and remember this post when I start to feel wonky. 💛
Thank you, I needed this. I've never liked crowded places, concerts, bars, whatever but it never occurred to me that I drank to be able to deal with them and fit in. Wow, big light bulb moment for me.
I understand that feeling so well Laura and I needed this today. There are so many things that are different and I can see and feel the work I have done … and yet. I still get lost in what I “should” be feeling, thinking, doing, fixing. Grateful for your honesty!!!
At 2 years sober, this hit particularly hard: "At first, I thought the misery was a temporary discomfort that would abate once I got more comfortable not drinking, but as it turns out, those things were never comfortable or fun for me in the first place. I drank to make them comfortable and fun."
I'm just coming into this idea that I don't like things that I've pretended to like for the last 30 years while drinking. I kind of knew I didn't (why else would I have to pre-drink, over-drink, etc. just to get through?) but never wanted to admit I'd rather be home with a book. Now, I do admit I'd rather be home with a book and am learning to not care if others think I'm boring or not living my best life. They did think I was living my best life when I was drinking...so fun! always out!....but little did they know.
One last thing, I was at that She Recovers conference and you were at the top of my list of people to see. I met you at the meet and greet for like 10 seconds before I blushed and slinked away. But you were on par with all the others for me....which is such a reminder that there's always someone wishing they had what someone else has and sometimes that someone else is us. And the circle goes round and round.
This feels true in so many places for me right now: “Do I care enough to do differently? (I know the answer to that one: No.)”
And I DO care about many things deeply. But I’m becoming (perhaps a little) too good at playing the tape forward and seeing that, even in the best case scenario, many things are too energetically expensive to make them worth it. While this isn’t new for me, it seems to be speeding up the older I get (I’m about to turn 49) and the longer I spend in sobriety (just passed 4 years).
Thank you for your beautiful, powerful writing, Laura. No MFA needed!
Thanks for reminding us that personal growth doesn't mean forcing ourselves to violate the boundaries that helped us get (and stay) sober.
Thanks for sharing. Your commitment to authenticity is very inspiring and something I need to continue to reminded of. I can't imagine how it must feel when the stakes are higher like in your circumstance but in my world I still find it very challenging, even in sobriety. Moving to a new place makes me feel all kinds of "new girl" vibes, to the point where I have been really lonely for in-person connection and little thoughts of acting like someone that I know I am not or doing things I don't want to do for the mere platitude of feeling like a "fit in." These thoughts are fleeting thought but something that makes me curious as to WTF is going on here.
What I have realized is that I must go back to the practices that led to myself in the first place. The getting up before my kids/husband almost daily to journal/meditate/read and spending time with myself is ESSENTIAL to that connection. I got very lost from myself in this recent move to a new city, I underestimated the magnitude of it, and I found myself in dark depression. I tried to "get by" without doing these practices that others don't seem to need to stay on course because I told myself other things were important and I will be fine this far into sobriety. It has forced me to almost go back to those teachings in early sobriety and get crystal clear on my non-negotiables so I can keep the connection between and my higher Self, between me and the Divine, clean.
Because what is at stake if I don't do that? I lose it all, I lose my sense of self, my clarity, and that is everything to me. That is what keeps at the center of the life I don't want to escape from. It certainly won't keep me from experiencing what you experienced and what I am experiencing being the "new girl in town" but it will help ground me in it in a way where I can come out on the other side of it with my values, sobriety and sense of self intact.
So as much of a pain in the ass as it is to get up at the crack of dawn, I guess I will keep doing it! (At least until my kids sleep in a little later and I know I can have this precious time at a more reasonable hour)
I think it’s amazing how you talk to yourself with kindness and nudge yourself into situations that you find difficult. Kudos to you for going to the event. And, FWIW, I don’t think the MFA matters one bit in terms of your ability! Also, journaling totally counts!!
Whew, Laura. It's me, the gal who approached to the table after your panel to tell you how much I appreciate your Substack. Also the gal about to wrap her MFA from a local college and still feels like an imposter much of the time because it's not one of the fancy schools (funny how we always find a reason to invalidate the impulse to do the thing because some person once told us we needed permission to do it). I was so happy to sit in that room and feel like a human again. Thanks for helping me feel a little bit more like I belong—at writerly conferences, and on the page.
PS. Approximately four people feel at home at AWP and, as Anne Lamott put it, we don't like them very much.
I resonate on so many levels. Every conference I go to for work or recovery sends me back to Newark High...
I so love the descriptive honesty here. Thanks for this
This was so great Laura. I was nodding through so much of. Thank you for sharing yourself.
Knowing how much I admire and respect you, it’s inexplicable to me that you would ever have these feelings. On the other hand, I know how the brain works and nobody is immune from them. Once I heard Oprah and Barack Obama talk about feeling similar to what you describe, I realized nobody is safe!
Thank you for writing so honestly about this. It helps.
Nailed it -- that flutter. That stupid feeling. That coming back home to self.
I was listening to a podcast this past week where the guest was saying how they “don’t make sense on paper” and that really struck me. There is so much that can stop us from doing things because we think there is a certain way they must be done. BUT, given the resonance your article is having with so many of us I think we can all just go ahead and not make sense and just do the things! 😆 This share is huge, Laura and so completely relatable. So much “shoulding” but who the F is making and patrolling these shouldy rules?! I’ll stick with not making sense on paper and remember this post when I start to feel wonky. 💛
Thank you, I needed this. I've never liked crowded places, concerts, bars, whatever but it never occurred to me that I drank to be able to deal with them and fit in. Wow, big light bulb moment for me.
I understand that feeling so well Laura and I needed this today. There are so many things that are different and I can see and feel the work I have done … and yet. I still get lost in what I “should” be feeling, thinking, doing, fixing. Grateful for your honesty!!!
Oh boy do I relate to this in so many ways - and it is helping me understand some current feelings - thank you for your honesty Laura.
I have never related to an article more than this one. Thank you so much for writing about all of this.
At 2 years sober, this hit particularly hard: "At first, I thought the misery was a temporary discomfort that would abate once I got more comfortable not drinking, but as it turns out, those things were never comfortable or fun for me in the first place. I drank to make them comfortable and fun."
I'm just coming into this idea that I don't like things that I've pretended to like for the last 30 years while drinking. I kind of knew I didn't (why else would I have to pre-drink, over-drink, etc. just to get through?) but never wanted to admit I'd rather be home with a book. Now, I do admit I'd rather be home with a book and am learning to not care if others think I'm boring or not living my best life. They did think I was living my best life when I was drinking...so fun! always out!....but little did they know.
One last thing, I was at that She Recovers conference and you were at the top of my list of people to see. I met you at the meet and greet for like 10 seconds before I blushed and slinked away. But you were on par with all the others for me....which is such a reminder that there's always someone wishing they had what someone else has and sometimes that someone else is us. And the circle goes round and round.