Ack! Things come together and they fall apart, then come back together again. I’m also in a season of trying to DO and MAKE STUFF HAPPEN, when I need to allow and yes, have patience. Totally relate on life situations “taking me out” of being a part of life, wanting the resolution to HAPPEN ALREADY, when really it’s on God’s timeline and honestly there’s likely another “situation” shortly down the bend that will take me out again - but maybe less next time, with more spaciousness, more allowing. My yoga practice this week has all been focused on letting go of anger at things and people pissing me off, accepting, allowing, not fighting. Love ya Laura xxoxo :)
Also, as a film student, I found myself repeatedly rewinding and pausing all of Mike White’s gorgeous shots of Thailand in white lotus s3e1 - the colors! The layout! Wow …. But I stopped watching halfway through the episode and don’t think I’ll go back. Just none of the characters drew me in (RIP Tanya!!!!) and it was super slow. 🤷 worth another shot?
The image of the dam—the waiting, the weight, the craving for flow again—hit me square in the chest. I know that feeling intimately, and I know how exhausting it is to hold hope and frustration in the same breath for so long. The courage it takes to keep showing up anyway, to still listen to Pema, to still write your heart out even when it feels like everything’s jammed up… that’s not just resilience. That’s sacred work.
You are not alone in the arena. And even if the resolution stays elusive a little longer, I hope you can feel some peace in knowing that your story, just as it is—unfinished, unresolved, and beautiful—is helping others keep going, too.
Sending you solidarity from someone who’s also very much still learning to “let it be.”
So good Laura. 🫶🥰 and I love hearing that you had a similar reaction to White Lotus. It was such a drag to get through but once it was over I couldn’t stop
hugs Laura. you are a warrior. no matter what you're writing about, it is a salve to read. I am praying the dam opens soon. ps I have yet to watch season 3... now I am so intrigued <3
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. In my nearly 58 years of living, the most profound, weird, painful, soulful, and unresolved experience is Grief. Grief goes on, and on. And that is hard for humans to digest. The immediate ending feels sharp and disorienting, and depending on the circumstances of whether we are prepared or not…we cannot escape grieving. Yesterday was the 24th anniversary of my son’s (Jacob Jerome) stillborn death, and I took 5 days off work. To grieve the loss of his life, and to grieve the loss of my life as a mother, which also died when he died. I’m tearing up now as I write this with the same sadness I felt the day I held his body in my arms.
I’ve had phantom labor pains several times the past weeks, profound dreams of a boy I’ve never met, but also just exploding love and appreciation for my bravery and resilience.
24 years ago I believed (hoped) that grief would have an ending. But it has no resolution. And yet, we continue onward.
Like sobriety, grief becomes less of a load to bear, but it is always there, perhaps a wound in which to connect with others whom are also grieving losses of their own.
Much love and respect for the strong and beautiful woman that you are, Laura.
I loved it too. I'm so with you on all of this. I do always always wish for a resolution but it's nice to know that's a wasted wish....it's some kind of comfort!
“It’s easy to sound spiritually enlightened when you haven’t faced real loss, betrayal, or hardship. Easy to self-righteously post, preach, or write about surrender and “trusting the universe”—to talk about high-fiving yourself like it’s an actual solution to anything real—when you’re standing safely outside the arena.”
Laura, thank you for sharing with us what it looks like to live the practices when things are difficult, trying and at times, relentless.
It’s because of your honest and authentic example and shares that I look forward to your writing and wisdom.
"Inside the arena, it’s messy. It’s bloodshed, undoing, and disillusionment. It’s unfiltered and un-Instagrammable. You’re not reciting mantras in a mirror—you’re praying into the void, bargaining, breaking, trying to remember who the hell you even are or what you believe." - Laura McKowen
Can I get a witness? YES to all of this.
I've found myself in this space a few times over the last several years and realized that what I believed was being dissolved each and every time - I was now one with the same VOID I was talking too!
Only to come out to the "other side" or as you brilliantly said "you start to understand that truth only exists as a paradox—and that’s not something you can truly grasp from a podcast, a book, or a theory. You have to live it."
Thank you for this Laura. We all need it now, and again when it happens to us!
Laura. Wow. I want to print this and put it in my journal. This is church right here. Thank you for sharing. Love this so much.
Xoxoxo
And Saxon was reading When Things Fall Apart in the last episode! Hang in there. ❤️
I MISSED THAT! Amazing.
Ack! Things come together and they fall apart, then come back together again. I’m also in a season of trying to DO and MAKE STUFF HAPPEN, when I need to allow and yes, have patience. Totally relate on life situations “taking me out” of being a part of life, wanting the resolution to HAPPEN ALREADY, when really it’s on God’s timeline and honestly there’s likely another “situation” shortly down the bend that will take me out again - but maybe less next time, with more spaciousness, more allowing. My yoga practice this week has all been focused on letting go of anger at things and people pissing me off, accepting, allowing, not fighting. Love ya Laura xxoxo :)
Also, as a film student, I found myself repeatedly rewinding and pausing all of Mike White’s gorgeous shots of Thailand in white lotus s3e1 - the colors! The layout! Wow …. But I stopped watching halfway through the episode and don’t think I’ll go back. Just none of the characters drew me in (RIP Tanya!!!!) and it was super slow. 🤷 worth another shot?
The image of the dam—the waiting, the weight, the craving for flow again—hit me square in the chest. I know that feeling intimately, and I know how exhausting it is to hold hope and frustration in the same breath for so long. The courage it takes to keep showing up anyway, to still listen to Pema, to still write your heart out even when it feels like everything’s jammed up… that’s not just resilience. That’s sacred work.
You are not alone in the arena. And even if the resolution stays elusive a little longer, I hope you can feel some peace in knowing that your story, just as it is—unfinished, unresolved, and beautiful—is helping others keep going, too.
Sending you solidarity from someone who’s also very much still learning to “let it be.”
So good Laura. 🫶🥰 and I love hearing that you had a similar reaction to White Lotus. It was such a drag to get through but once it was over I couldn’t stop
thinking about it for days, actually still😯
I need this right now. Full stop. Full stop. Thank you 🫶🙏
No one writes existential dread better than you, Laura. Thank you. 🙏
Let’s make sure that’s on my gravestone.
Pinky promise.
I really needed this. Thank you.
hugs Laura. you are a warrior. no matter what you're writing about, it is a salve to read. I am praying the dam opens soon. ps I have yet to watch season 3... now I am so intrigued <3
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. In my nearly 58 years of living, the most profound, weird, painful, soulful, and unresolved experience is Grief. Grief goes on, and on. And that is hard for humans to digest. The immediate ending feels sharp and disorienting, and depending on the circumstances of whether we are prepared or not…we cannot escape grieving. Yesterday was the 24th anniversary of my son’s (Jacob Jerome) stillborn death, and I took 5 days off work. To grieve the loss of his life, and to grieve the loss of my life as a mother, which also died when he died. I’m tearing up now as I write this with the same sadness I felt the day I held his body in my arms.
I’ve had phantom labor pains several times the past weeks, profound dreams of a boy I’ve never met, but also just exploding love and appreciation for my bravery and resilience.
24 years ago I believed (hoped) that grief would have an ending. But it has no resolution. And yet, we continue onward.
Like sobriety, grief becomes less of a load to bear, but it is always there, perhaps a wound in which to connect with others whom are also grieving losses of their own.
Much love and respect for the strong and beautiful woman that you are, Laura.
I so needed this right now. 🙏🏼
My falling apart feels persistent and resistant to tools that used to work. Yet, something in me knows it’s not permanent nor something to fix.
Thanks Laura. Your words always help.
I loved it too. I'm so with you on all of this. I do always always wish for a resolution but it's nice to know that's a wasted wish....it's some kind of comfort!
I loved that monk and hung on his every word as well! He was like a port in the storm.
He is! He was.
“It’s easy to sound spiritually enlightened when you haven’t faced real loss, betrayal, or hardship. Easy to self-righteously post, preach, or write about surrender and “trusting the universe”—to talk about high-fiving yourself like it’s an actual solution to anything real—when you’re standing safely outside the arena.”
Laura, thank you for sharing with us what it looks like to live the practices when things are difficult, trying and at times, relentless.
It’s because of your honest and authentic example and shares that I look forward to your writing and wisdom.
(And for sharing your wins, too!!)
This really hit home for me too! I also appreciated the not-so-subtle Mel Robbins shade 😂
"Inside the arena, it’s messy. It’s bloodshed, undoing, and disillusionment. It’s unfiltered and un-Instagrammable. You’re not reciting mantras in a mirror—you’re praying into the void, bargaining, breaking, trying to remember who the hell you even are or what you believe." - Laura McKowen
Can I get a witness? YES to all of this.
I've found myself in this space a few times over the last several years and realized that what I believed was being dissolved each and every time - I was now one with the same VOID I was talking too!
Only to come out to the "other side" or as you brilliantly said "you start to understand that truth only exists as a paradox—and that’s not something you can truly grasp from a podcast, a book, or a theory. You have to live it."
Thank you for this Laura. We all need it now, and again when it happens to us!
This Regina Spektor song came in my head reading this:
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God
When they're starving or freezing
Or so very poor
No one laughs at God when the doctor calls
After some routine tests
No one's laughing at God
When it's gotten real late
Their kid's not back from that party yet