Great article. Also, some truths with alcohol and anxiety for fathers. I drank because of anxiety. I lost my marriage because of drinking. Now, slightly over a year sober, but still heartbroken over divorce. I realize now, in therapy, I never grieved over a miscarriage. (among many other things I didn't process because I drowned out my feelings with alcohol) I didn't talk about feelings, anxiety, fears or insecurities because I thought the head of the household/father should be strong and not show that part of life. I mistakenly just kept thinking alcohol was the solution. I never drank to hurt my marriage or my wife... it was all about my anxiety. Now, I only get to see my kids every other weekend because of it!
Anxiety led me to sobriety. It had gotten so bad my hands would shake constantly. I no longer felt I had agency over my body. I googled “meditation for anxiety” and Holly Whitaker popped up on YouTube! I followed back to Hip Sobriety and my recovery began. . I had been drinking like it was medicine for my anxiety. When I quit drinking I was afraid it would sky rocket. I was prepared and had plans in place. Instead it virtually vanished. I know it doesn’t happen like that for everyone. I still have anxiety from time to time but it’s mostly situation specific and not that horrible free floating anxiety that made me think I was losing my mind.
Love you Laura-thank you so much for sharing this. I looked up to you so very much at Kappa and love that I still get to look up to you as an adult. So much of what you wrote resonates with me and it's like you are describing my life circa 2007 seriously. THANK YOU for putting words to what we go through becuase damn its hard to do. I am FOREVER grateful for you.
Excellent post, Laura! This really resonates (even though I am not a mom). The crushing anxiety, and accompanying high blood pressure, I had all my adult life. Really looking back it started when I started drinking heavily in college. In sobriety my anxiety is at a steady 1-2 most days over the drinking anxiety level 9-10. It is easy to forget those days when in long-term sobriety. This post and your words are a great reminder today!
So happy for you, Tifani. It took a while for me in early sobriety but eventually it got so much better. I've had bouts throughout but nothing like when I was drinking.
Wow Laura. Your honesty has saved my life and the lives of my two young daughters. I am changing my family’s narrative. All of my daily drinking was to cope with anxiety. I had no idea it was causing the absolute panic and terror the next morning. After my first daughter (Alma!) was born, I tried going back to wine almost immediately to help ease the pain of new motherhood. Instead of letting my body and mind rest, I would drink wine. This idea was propagated by other women in my family. Just have some wine. By the time I had a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, I got sober. 10 months ago. I was duped for so long but now I am free. Truly the luckiest and so grateful I found your work. 🤍
Laura, this really, really hit home for me. I needed those words today. Thank you. (Even though I do not have a child, I felt right there with you). Thanks for letting us in. With appreciation + hope ~ Elizabeth
Nov 10, 2022·edited Nov 10, 2022Liked by Laura McKowen
Minus the childbirth part, this anxiety story sounds so much like my own. Reading it gave me the sweats. Remembering my own panic felt like watching a horror movie; I felt it, but it didn't feel like my own. Mostly, I think, because it wasn't, which is why I had to let it go.
"My body was screaming at me to fucking stop. Maybe it always had been."
And there it is. My body always screams at me. I'm lucky, even though I used to think I was cursed. Your words/books helped me get sober 1.5 years ago and I share them with all the people who approach me wanting to know why I'm so freakin' psyched (and calmer than ever) about being sober. And then they see that their bodies have been screaming too.
Thank you for all that you share, and all that you do.
Fantastic post . It’s like you wrote this just to me . When I was in rehab they taught me that anxiety was directly linked to the soul crushing anxiety I was experiencing near the end of my drinking and your email only reinforces that . Thanks again for sharing and I look forward to reading your next book.
Nov 10, 2022·edited Nov 10, 2022Liked by Laura McKowen
I had many names for post-drinking anxiety and shame the way I've heard people who live in Alaska have many words for snow. The "hot pricklies" "shame fever" "hang-xiety". I would enter a kind of tunnel of shame and panic. I became so good at navigating that tunnel that it felt like I was acquiring a very private wisdom. TLC was the antidote. The anxiety still lives on in dark places inside of me. There are still people I don't want to run into or think about because they saw too much. Thank you, Laura.
OMG the tunnel of shame and panic. And acquiring a very private wisdom. Seriously. I got so good at dealing with it, but the energy that took?! So glad you found TLC!
Nov 10, 2022·edited Nov 10, 2022Liked by Laura McKowen
So much resonance in this for me, Laura. Thank you. When I stopped drinking nearly 3 years back, one of the best, most welcome changes was less anxiety (most especially the kind that would always arrive around 3am if I'd had even one or two glasses of wine with dinner...and was always entangled in feelings of shame and guilt). Interestingly, I've experienced similar anxiety when drinking NA wine. I still struggle with anxiety, and I still go through periods of taking THC before bed to help me sleep. But compared to when I was drinking, there's no comparison.
That first section of the article (before the bit about motherhood) is something I could have written about myself. It spoke to my experience in a big way. And then at the end, I nodded vigorously at this: "Drinking alcohol is like pouring gasoline on your anxiety. And then lighting a match".
Anxiety has been a constant presence throughout my life and once I hit my 40's any alcohol was just making it unmanageable. I've heard some call the morning after feeling "hanxiety" but for me it was bone crushingly awful and I could not go on feeling like that. I sought professional help for the anxiety and discovered I was high functioning autistic which was a bit of a shock, but made a lot of sense. In some ways I think many of us use alcohol as medicine to manage anxiety in early life, but at some point there is a reckoning when it just stops working. Thank God I found a way out.
As a personal trainer, I see so many clients who struggle with anxiety and losing weight. I gently suggest they cut back on the wine, knowing it’ll help with both, but they often don’t see it as a problem. I am so thankful for your voice in the world, and I often point people toward your work. You are a huge part of my story--I’ve been following you since Home Podcast, and I know you are most of the reason I gave up drinking and continue to make the choice not to drink every single day.
I am 47 now, and lived not knowing I had massive anxiety until 2 years ago when my nervous system began to break down, and I started having frequent panic attacks and a potential arrhythmia from random and prolonged heart rate spikes. This was also at the height of lifelong heavy drinking that began with a sip of my grandfather’s PBR around age 7. I literally used to deflect the genetic factors of 3 out of the 4 of my kids having generalized anxiety to my mother’s genetic makeup, overlooking my own. I didn’t hear the noise in my own head until I realized I needed help or my life was at risk, and walked into a counselor’s office to seek mental health support, not knowing what I was looking for. I talked nonstop for an hour. And all of the sudden a lightbulb came on and I could hear and visualize the train statin of activity and noise in my mind. Once the lights came on, I couldn’t unsee it. And I have been working on it ever since.
I have really bad social anxiety. But the real crippling thing is depression. What’s the link there? Stupid question. I know. But the comment that anxiety isn’t a feeling but an avoidance of feelings hit true. I have been avoiding feelings for almost as long as I can remember. Because they have all been bad. Thank you for this
Thank you for this, Laura. It describes me to a tee. I am still fighting with it; still looking for that third door. But I just picked up you book for the second time and I am ready to uncover the real me sans the wine. I am not sober yet, but my road to sobriety is being paved. You are an encouragement!
Great article. Also, some truths with alcohol and anxiety for fathers. I drank because of anxiety. I lost my marriage because of drinking. Now, slightly over a year sober, but still heartbroken over divorce. I realize now, in therapy, I never grieved over a miscarriage. (among many other things I didn't process because I drowned out my feelings with alcohol) I didn't talk about feelings, anxiety, fears or insecurities because I thought the head of the household/father should be strong and not show that part of life. I mistakenly just kept thinking alcohol was the solution. I never drank to hurt my marriage or my wife... it was all about my anxiety. Now, I only get to see my kids every other weekend because of it!
I'm sorry to hear that, Mike. That's really tough. I do know in recovery we can repair quite a lot. Sending love.
Anxiety led me to sobriety. It had gotten so bad my hands would shake constantly. I no longer felt I had agency over my body. I googled “meditation for anxiety” and Holly Whitaker popped up on YouTube! I followed back to Hip Sobriety and my recovery began. . I had been drinking like it was medicine for my anxiety. When I quit drinking I was afraid it would sky rocket. I was prepared and had plans in place. Instead it virtually vanished. I know it doesn’t happen like that for everyone. I still have anxiety from time to time but it’s mostly situation specific and not that horrible free floating anxiety that made me think I was losing my mind.
I've heard the same story over and over. It's incredible that doctors don't talk about this more. Glad you're on the other side, Mimi!
Love you Laura-thank you so much for sharing this. I looked up to you so very much at Kappa and love that I still get to look up to you as an adult. So much of what you wrote resonates with me and it's like you are describing my life circa 2007 seriously. THANK YOU for putting words to what we go through becuase damn its hard to do. I am FOREVER grateful for you.
Hi Mandy!!!! I always love seeing your name. XOXO
Excellent post, Laura! This really resonates (even though I am not a mom). The crushing anxiety, and accompanying high blood pressure, I had all my adult life. Really looking back it started when I started drinking heavily in college. In sobriety my anxiety is at a steady 1-2 most days over the drinking anxiety level 9-10. It is easy to forget those days when in long-term sobriety. This post and your words are a great reminder today!
Yes to being at a 1-2 vs. a 9-10. God, I really don't know how we did it.
I have felt a huge change in my depression and anxiety now that I’m ten months sober.
This is the best I’ve felt headed into the Fall/Winter season.
I feel so capable of handling anything that life brings and I know I’ll be okay with any emotional feelings that occur.
So happy for you, Tifani. It took a while for me in early sobriety but eventually it got so much better. I've had bouts throughout but nothing like when I was drinking.
Wow Laura. Your honesty has saved my life and the lives of my two young daughters. I am changing my family’s narrative. All of my daily drinking was to cope with anxiety. I had no idea it was causing the absolute panic and terror the next morning. After my first daughter (Alma!) was born, I tried going back to wine almost immediately to help ease the pain of new motherhood. Instead of letting my body and mind rest, I would drink wine. This idea was propagated by other women in my family. Just have some wine. By the time I had a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, I got sober. 10 months ago. I was duped for so long but now I am free. Truly the luckiest and so grateful I found your work. 🤍
OMG YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED ALMA!!!!
Laura, this really, really hit home for me. I needed those words today. Thank you. (Even though I do not have a child, I felt right there with you). Thanks for letting us in. With appreciation + hope ~ Elizabeth
Glad you got the words you needed. xo
Minus the childbirth part, this anxiety story sounds so much like my own. Reading it gave me the sweats. Remembering my own panic felt like watching a horror movie; I felt it, but it didn't feel like my own. Mostly, I think, because it wasn't, which is why I had to let it go.
"My body was screaming at me to fucking stop. Maybe it always had been."
And there it is. My body always screams at me. I'm lucky, even though I used to think I was cursed. Your words/books helped me get sober 1.5 years ago and I share them with all the people who approach me wanting to know why I'm so freakin' psyched (and calmer than ever) about being sober. And then they see that their bodies have been screaming too.
Thank you for all that you share, and all that you do.
Sorry on the sweats :). But I'm so glad you've had the same experience in sobriety, and congrats on 1.5 years!!
Hi Laura -
Fantastic post . It’s like you wrote this just to me . When I was in rehab they taught me that anxiety was directly linked to the soul crushing anxiety I was experiencing near the end of my drinking and your email only reinforces that . Thanks again for sharing and I look forward to reading your next book.
All my best -
Derek M
4.5 years sober
Congrats on your sobriety Derek. It really is soul crushing! Makes me anxious just thinking about it lol. Thank you for being here.
I had many names for post-drinking anxiety and shame the way I've heard people who live in Alaska have many words for snow. The "hot pricklies" "shame fever" "hang-xiety". I would enter a kind of tunnel of shame and panic. I became so good at navigating that tunnel that it felt like I was acquiring a very private wisdom. TLC was the antidote. The anxiety still lives on in dark places inside of me. There are still people I don't want to run into or think about because they saw too much. Thank you, Laura.
OMG the tunnel of shame and panic. And acquiring a very private wisdom. Seriously. I got so good at dealing with it, but the energy that took?! So glad you found TLC!
So much energy!
So much resonance in this for me, Laura. Thank you. When I stopped drinking nearly 3 years back, one of the best, most welcome changes was less anxiety (most especially the kind that would always arrive around 3am if I'd had even one or two glasses of wine with dinner...and was always entangled in feelings of shame and guilt). Interestingly, I've experienced similar anxiety when drinking NA wine. I still struggle with anxiety, and I still go through periods of taking THC before bed to help me sleep. But compared to when I was drinking, there's no comparison.
The 3 am anxiety. 💀💀💀💀
Fascinating about NA wine. I've only ever had a sip and it tasted way too much like the real thing, I couldn't.
That first section of the article (before the bit about motherhood) is something I could have written about myself. It spoke to my experience in a big way. And then at the end, I nodded vigorously at this: "Drinking alcohol is like pouring gasoline on your anxiety. And then lighting a match".
Anxiety has been a constant presence throughout my life and once I hit my 40's any alcohol was just making it unmanageable. I've heard some call the morning after feeling "hanxiety" but for me it was bone crushingly awful and I could not go on feeling like that. I sought professional help for the anxiety and discovered I was high functioning autistic which was a bit of a shock, but made a lot of sense. In some ways I think many of us use alcohol as medicine to manage anxiety in early life, but at some point there is a reckoning when it just stops working. Thank God I found a way out.
I'm so glad you found a way out. So many of us use it as medicine without knowing it. xo
As a personal trainer, I see so many clients who struggle with anxiety and losing weight. I gently suggest they cut back on the wine, knowing it’ll help with both, but they often don’t see it as a problem. I am so thankful for your voice in the world, and I often point people toward your work. You are a huge part of my story--I’ve been following you since Home Podcast, and I know you are most of the reason I gave up drinking and continue to make the choice not to drink every single day.
Thanks for being here, Pam. xo
I am 47 now, and lived not knowing I had massive anxiety until 2 years ago when my nervous system began to break down, and I started having frequent panic attacks and a potential arrhythmia from random and prolonged heart rate spikes. This was also at the height of lifelong heavy drinking that began with a sip of my grandfather’s PBR around age 7. I literally used to deflect the genetic factors of 3 out of the 4 of my kids having generalized anxiety to my mother’s genetic makeup, overlooking my own. I didn’t hear the noise in my own head until I realized I needed help or my life was at risk, and walked into a counselor’s office to seek mental health support, not knowing what I was looking for. I talked nonstop for an hour. And all of the sudden a lightbulb came on and I could hear and visualize the train statin of activity and noise in my mind. Once the lights came on, I couldn’t unsee it. And I have been working on it ever since.
I have really bad social anxiety. But the real crippling thing is depression. What’s the link there? Stupid question. I know. But the comment that anxiety isn’t a feeling but an avoidance of feelings hit true. I have been avoiding feelings for almost as long as I can remember. Because they have all been bad. Thank you for this
Depression and anxiety after very often co-occurring. ❤️
Thank you for this, Laura. It describes me to a tee. I am still fighting with it; still looking for that third door. But I just picked up you book for the second time and I am ready to uncover the real me sans the wine. I am not sober yet, but my road to sobriety is being paved. You are an encouragement!