UPDATE: I'm answering a few of these this morning and will continue to in the coming days. These are such beautiful questions and I am genuinely enjoying engaging with them and you. They're also sparking some great ideas about future essays and offerings.
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Oh my WORD, these questions! Thank you so much, all of you. I've got to pivot to something else now but I'll come back to them later today (and this week) to answer as many as I can. I just love and appreciate you all so much for being here and trusting me with your minds and hearts. Thank you!
Thank you, Jude. I wish I had news of when that'll be! I know you can get it on Audible and Kindle (at least I think so)?! Actually which book are you talking about: We Are The Luckiest or Push Off?
Hi Laura! Cool idea with the Q&A. Here's my question: how did you know it was time for a divorce? Like, KNOW know. I quit drinking nearly 5 years ago and I feel like my marriage will just never be the same as it was when we were partying together. It's like we built the foundation on a bunch of booze and now that it's not there, it feels empty. I know you were still drinking when you split from your husband, but any advice for how to navigate marriage as a sober person with someone who still drinks? (I realize there are like 4 questions here, sorry!) Thank you!!
Oh man. I SO WANTED THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. We want to know the one moment, the one thing, the know-know factor that got us to decide. And I could tell you what mine were (and I will, briefly, below), but my knowing factors won't be the same as yours. Every relationship is different. Every heart is different. Every path is different. It's just an impossible thing to forecast or determine for someone else.
I think what we're looking for when we ask this question is a way to escape grief or regret. We want to know which choice will bring less or none. And I can tell you there is no way to escape those things. There is grief and regret if you go; there will be grief and regret if you stay. Divorce is painful and has consequences. Staying is painful and has consequences. You just have to search within yourself until you know which consequences you'd rather live with, and this isn't typically a logical knowing; it comes from somewhere else inside you.
I was deep in my addiction when I was married, but I also had a sense that I'd made the wrong choice--or that I just wanted OUT--almost immediately. Some of this was due to my own issues with intimacy; some of it was not. The most simple way I can state it is, when I looked at the long arc of my life and I imaged getting to the end, I knew it would be a mistake to stay married to him.
Hi Laura! Thanks for allowing us in your world. I’m wondering how you’re currently negotiating your relationship with social media. I remember you took a break a few years back and I believe you’re back on. As someone who has done something similar and struggles with the additive and equally diminishing aspect social media plays in my life, I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings on where you are now in your relationship with social media. Thanks!
Hi Kristy! This is something I'm currently putting a longer piece together about because it's been such an up and down back and forth thing. There's much more than I can say here right now, but I'll provide my high-level thoughts.
Yes, back in 2021 (or 2022?) I got off Instagram and even had a piece published in The New York Times about it 🤪. At the time, I was really reacting to so much of the stress of the pandemic and the civil unrest and the cumulative effect of being on there constantly for 6-7 years. I'd tried to take many "breaks" before then, too. And I'm mostly talking about Instagram because other places never felt sticky to me (Facebook, Twitter). I went back on after a few months at the encouragement of my agent and publisher and a few other folks who thought maybe it wasn't the best career move to be off just yet. I had a new book coming out. I'm still the biggest referred to The Luckiest Club, my community. Etc. So I tried hiring someone several times. I've made all kinds of rules about it. Nothing made it *great* but it was fine-ish.
Over the course of the last year, I started being on less and less. Some of this has to do with where the app has gone. Video content, Reels, endless promotion. I just couldn't make myself do that stuff. But also, a lot of being there less had to do with starting a Substack. There was a place to go and write and connect with other writers and readers. I could still be "heard" without having to get on IG and inhale all it comes with. I never made a decision; I just noticed I was there less and less. When the new year came this year, I noticed I just could...not...do...it. Part of this is needing my full attention to write this next book. But a lot more of it is just a quiet turning away. I didn't want the noise. I didn't make any big declarations; I'm not deleting my account; I don't have a plan. I just told people where to find me, deleted the app on my phone, and that was that. I'll go on to make announcements occasionally. When the We Can Do Hard Things eps came out, I posted those and engaged.
Now that I've been mostly off my brain feels so much better and more quiet. I don't have the urge to document every-fucking-thing (that urge died slowly over the last year). I don't have 100 tabs in my head going about which author is doing what and who is supporting whom and who made this bestseller list and oh, I should think about doing this or that, or whatever.
Of course, there's SO much good that has come from socials for me. It has been huge in forming connections and building my career. I know there are some potential opportunities I will miss, and I also recognize the only reason I'm comfortable doing this is because I've got a certain amount of success under my belt. I have a large list here. I have two books out and a third I'm under contract for. I'm already established on a career path as a writer. I do not think I would feel the same were this not the case.
Personally, I don't care about socials at all. I'm barely there (on Facebook) and the only thing I care about on IG is my daughter's account and her friend's accounts. I do log in on my browser about once a week to look at those.
I love your stuff about working up the strength to make hard decisions or have hard conversations or do anything that is HARD. The woman who told you, “You be the one to push off from here.” I love her and I don’t even know her. My question is why the F does it take so long to work up that strength? Like, I am driving myself bonkers with avoiding something HARD, despite having nearly 2 yrs of sobriety, great people in my life, and a fitness regimen that has me in the best shape of my life at nearly 52 yrs old. How do I battle that avoidance of the hard thing without losing my shit?
I love you, man. Don’t ever stop doing what you’re doing.
Hey Krystal. I wouldn't call it "strength," but courage. Because almost always, the resistance is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the what-ifs, fear of failure, fear, fear, fear. You're not going to wake up one day and be fearless. You'll never be fearless. You just have to learn how to live with the fact that life is basically groundless and nothing is guaranteed. I wouldn't try to "battle the avoidance" but talk to it. Ask it what it's trying to tell you. Write down the fears, play them out. Sometimes we like the idea of something more than we like the reality of doing it. We like our fantasies. For example, many people love the idea of being a writer or writing a book, but they never write. And, in reality, they don't want what comes with being a writer (understandably!). The only way to know if you love the idea more than the reality is to do it. Without knowing what hard thing you're talking about, it's hard for me to say more than that. But please don't beat the shit out of yourself for having resistance. Fear is normal. It's not strength you're looking for, it's courage to do the thing afraid.
I love your writing, your honesty and your brilliant approach to a sober life. I would love any advice on helping my 21 year old-- for whom alcohol has brought nothing but trauma, bad decisions and loss. She is a beautiful, smart, hilarious and soulful university student and we're as close as can be. The only conflict in our relationship--(and that includes her dad and her sister i.e. our family) is her dependence on alcohol. It's like a terrible secret she can't share (although we have broached it many times,) and it causes so much heartache for all of us. We all know she will have to stop drinking eventually -- but as a 21-year-old living on campus it's hardly surprising that not only can she not imagine it - she has no plans to stop any time soon. Instead, she constantly creates new "rules" for herself (much like the young woman in "Drinking Games" i.e. "no shots, only 2 coolers, drink water.." and seems to think she's handling it. (in truth she has improved over the last few tumultuous years.) But it's plain to anyone who watches her around alcohol (like only a mother can!) that her relationship to it-- and the effect it has on her -- is vastly different from her friends, her sister, myself. I once asked if she could ever imagine stopping drinking, to which she answered "Never." "Why?" "Because I love it." Her response was both scary and sad. We don't -- and can't-- prevent her from drinking and it hasn't come to the point where we ban alcohol in the house (she's still an excellent student and maintains close friendships,) but she is coming home for 4 months and it's a source of constant stress and worry. I want the world for her and I know in my heart that to make her dreams comes true, to maintain health and happiness and future employment, she has to live a sober life. Thank you so much for this space!!
Oh, Chris. As a mother, I can feel how scary and painful this is for you. I honestly don't think there is anything more challenging than feeling powerless to prevent or change what your child is going through. It means so much that you're close, that she is loved and supported. No one can predict what her path will be or know why its hers to walk, but it is. A wise friend once said to me about another friend, "She is her own animal with her own destiny," and I think this is a beautiful thing to know when it comes to our children. I often think of this poem by Kahlil Gibran.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
It serves as a ballast for me often. Keep being the wonderful, stable, loving, present mother that you are. Build and maintain your own practices to keep you centered, emotionally sober, and present. If you don't have support, you probably need it. Al-Anon is a great start. xo
Hi Chris. You described me in college. I would’ve answered your question about quitting the exact same way. I managed to do life pretty well after college. Law school, good job, got married, had kids, etc. Internally though, I was tormented by relationship with alcohol. Still, I was happy and would’ve told you I was living a charmed life. And I was for the most part.
Long story short, eventually the scales tipped and I quit at age 44. While I was happy as a drinker, I’ve discovered a whole new way of living that doesn’t even compare with what I was doing before.
All this is to say: (1) your daughter may be evaluating her alcohol use more than she lets on; (2) she may very well get to where she needs to be and where you want her to be; (3) only she can do it (to quote Laura); (4) your love and support along the way will be invaluable to her.
I certainly understand and empathize with your concerns. Our oldest, who is a mini-me, is heading to college next fall and I worry his drinking path will look similar to mine. I just hope it doesn’t take him til age 44 to figure it all out!
Hi Chris, 1. What Laura said. 2. What would it be like if your daughter was healthy and happy? Practice visualizing this for 60 seconds a day (arbitrary number, but swap out a tiny % of fearing the worst for your daughter for imagining the best). 3. Having said that, feel the fear - expressive writing is a free way of alchemising our very understandable fear to freedom. 4. Tend to our own sobriety - I'm a recovering workaholic and judgement-aholic :) 5. It's SO hard to see an adored one struggle - but also an opportunity to be kind to yourself - which is the ultimate role model for your daughter ❤️
Hi Laura. I’m wondering (in your experience) if I’ll ever truly be free of the shame I feel about my past. As my sober years increase I get further and further away from it, but sometimes I am transported back—through memories, dreams, flashbacks and I just cringe and feel like I am shrinking inside.
I spend less and less time in that space so I do feel like it is getting smaller…but is it ever really gone? I feel that I try to think of those moments as reminders of a place I never want to be again…like a protective mechanism for my entire organism, and for that I am grateful for the reminder. But it’s still painful. Shame….it’s a tough one.
Hi Frances. This is so tough, and I remember feeling like I would never, EVER possibly be past the shame. But I am. I have small moments here and there, but they're fleeting.
Time does a lot, but we have to take action. Being part of a recovery community is absolutely key. Participating, sharing, listening, learning in a consistent way with fellow travelers. Also, therapy and potentially something like EMDR, which helps us process our traumatic experiences fully. Writing is a huge tool for me, too. I know that writing and talking about my experiences honestly melted so much of the shame over the years, partially because I was able to get a broader perspective on how I got to the place I did, but also because in writing and speaking, these events lose their charge. And, of course, when we share our truth it connects to the truth of others and we realize how un-unique we are. xo
Thank you for doing this Laura. My question is around working towards writing a memoir, and starting with substack to establish an audience. I’ve read your book (multiple times) and understand that you got your start blogging, and gaining traction that way. Is that correct?
I am not a trained writer, and only found it in the last couple years. I do have a story, one that cannot be published until certain people are no longer here with us. Not all of what I feel and experience can be shared on substack. I suspect you must have experienced this yourself as you navigated your recovery in the early days?
My question for you is: how did you gain traction/credibility as a writer prior to your book so when you were ready to publish you had the audience and support required for such an endeavor?
Hi Phaedra! Yes, I started by publishing on my blog for years, very regularly, and I also had a successful podcast and was on social media (Instagram) quite heavily. I did these things for 5-6 years and also had a few pieces published online in various publications before I got an agent and wrote my first book. I'm not saying this is the requisite amount of time; it's just my story. I had a career in marketing and advertising before and am also not a trained writer.
Do you feel as though you have things you'd like to write about that *are* publishable right now, say here on Substack? Do you have the time and space to write regularly here while also working on your memoir? If not, I would focus on the memoir. Audience matters, but it's not everything. Let go of the timelines in your head for how quickly things should happen or whether or not you're behind the game; you aren't. If you do indeed have time and space to write here, do that, to begin to see what it's like to publish things regularly and for an audience. You'll learn how it feels as you go.
I didn't have to wait for anyone to pass away to begin writing, but I did have to learn how to write about my experiences knowing people I knew would read it, like my family. I wrote a bit about that here https://lauramckowen.substack.com/p/writing-about-other-people. This was a learning curve, and it still is. It takes a certain amount of willingness to be exposed and for others to be exposed, by proxy, even if you aren't writing about them directly. (For example, parents.) Honestly, a lot of the writing I did initially I didn't share--I just started my blog and published things and posted them on Instagram. My family and close friends weren't on there at the time. They started to see things eventually, and there were moments of discomfort, but I didn't let it derail me.
Thank you Laura, and yes that makes sense and is helpful. I have started posting regularly here on Substack and do feel like I’ve got a lot to say outside of the meat of my memoir, just hasn’t “caught on” with people outside my current connections which is okay. I really do write for myself first but would be lying if I said I didn’t care if others appreciated my work 🤷🏼♀️
I did read the piece you wrote about how to write about experiences including family (I too have an x-husband) and your words were helpful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I still plan to read POFH as well. You are a light, and have been an inspiration and support for me. I appreciate your willingness to share your story and experiences so openly. ✨
So, you've been married, separated, and divorced. Now you are engaged. How did you get to a place where you knew it was a good idea to say forever again? (I'm nearly divorced, hate everything, and cannot imagine that kind of trust again.) Time? Growth? Or was it just so obvious because of the person? I guess I just want to hear something positive from anyone about life after divorce.
Oh, man. I know how you feel. First, there was a long period of time between being divorced and getting engaged again: almost ten years. And I got sober in that time and started a new career. My daughter grew up. A lot of life and a lot of learning.
I wouldn't expect you to feel any different than you do now being *nearly* divorced. It makes sense.
I'll offer this: I don't know if it's a good idea! I have no idea, and I don't think any of us does. Because we can say "forever" but, like, what does that even mean? None of us knows how long we have here or what's going to happen. I just knew I fell in love and felt differently about this man than I had about anyone before. There was tons of time. Tons of growth. But the growth keeps coming, for both of us, and it always will. Life is still lifey. I'm just choosing to do it with him, one day at a time. That's what I know.
Leaving and starting over and going to the next new thing has always been easy for me. Commitment has been a challenging and deeper exploration. This applies to sobriety, friendships, work, and now, this. It feels like my work. Is it a good idea? Shit, I don't know, but it's turned up great, surprising things for me in other areas. There are many ways to create a beautiful life, I think.
I've heard as many terrible stories about love as I have wonderful ones. Both things always exist. Don't take how you feel now as proof of anything solid. The unfortunate and frustrating reality is everything changes, all the time. I'm learning to get more comfortable with that. Nothing is for sure.
How do you manage the ups and downs of early sobriety? I miss the numb but also at the same time, I no longer want to feel numb. (hi from the land of cognitive dissonance)
Join a community. It's honestly impossible otherwise. Can be done in the short-run, but long-term it's just impossible. We need other people who know exactly what we're going through and we need to be able to hear and speak the truth about what's happening, consistently. xo
Totally agree with the community part. Especially one that prioritizes telling the truth. I white-knuckled it through 12 years of non-drinking but there was nothing sober about me - just mean and angry All. The. Time.
My fall was epic, ugly and really hurt a lot of people but mostly me.
This time is different. I've got a great home group and am learning to face my feelings, my fears and to make a difference in myself and my community. 123 days sober and in the immortal words of Nina Simone - And I'm feelin Good.
I couldn’t agree more! I did The Path with Annie Grace and it was life-changing! The content was transformative but the community was the best part. 3.5 years later I still do weekly calls with that group! I haven’t done The Luckiest Club but imagine it would be similar!
Hi Laura. Sober for 5 months now. I'm 39. If that matters. Both of your books matter the world to me, and carry them to places I may need reinforcement to keep telling myself how great I'm doing and how far I've come. I have a small book published where I'm getting feedback from people coming up to me after talks or through text of friends who gave a copy to someone dealing with something dark. The topics of which I won't say, are very deep. I feel really happy that just a few of my poems of hope has helped them.
I'm working on submitting a proposal to a few major publishers, including the one of your first book. I have a lot to say. I look back at my writings, sometimes in tears, sometimes underwhelmed. I need every word to mean something towards the next in a very particular way. My question is this. When writing a piece on substack, a chapter of your book, or anything else. What's the process? Do you write it, let it breathe for a day, go back with new emerging thoughts? Or once written, do you not overthink it, and if it seems viable towards your goal for that writing, you let it be? I think I just try to make everything so perfect, and as I've learned being sober, nothing is perfect. Ok, thank you very much. Have a wonderful day today.
Great question, Matthew! I'm going to answer this in a future "Behind The Scenes of Book Writing" post, ok? In the next 3-4 weeks I'll publish it. Congrats on your pursuits!
Hey James! I think of content creators as folks whose primary job is to create content for social media. Like lifestyle influencers, TikTok stars, etc. I don't follow or know much about what those folks are up to. I can speak to writers and authors who also do social media and I'm definitely seeing a wave of what you're talking about, especially those who are Gen-X (like me) and Millennials who have been using social for over ten years consistently. It's changed so much and it's so much more demanding and laborious to keep up. I mean, I've only ever really done Instagram and I can't even get myself to manage that now, while some folks have Twitter, IG, TikTok, Threads, etc. HOW?!?!
I think the burnout comes partially from the sheer amount of time and effort it takes, but also from the fact that it can so easily distort and/or pull you away from the very creative work you're trying to promote. It requires us to dumb down our art and commodify it, or to commodify ourselves, and there's a soul corruption there. Also, I think people are just exhausting from so many fucking inputs. We aren't meant to be exposed to that many things every day; our brains cannot handle it. When I started to think of my life as content, I became unable to truly experience it. This seems to me to be a devastating loss of interiority.
I don't know if I have tips, per se. I'm still figuring it out myself. I'd definitely say one big fat tip is: DON'T READ COMMENTS. Lol.
Hi! Thank you for this opportunity! So I am about 16 months, sober, and thinking of writing a memoir. I am the furthest thing from being a writer but I have so much inside that I want to get out and share. I am a blend of a few programs, including AA , ACA, Sober Sis, and my faith. To be completely honest, I’m not even much of a reader I have an eye disorder that causes my eyes to fatigue very easily when I’m reading, as well as the words to jump around on the page I really want to write this book but I think I am insane for even thinking this. Would appreciate any feedback. Thanks so so much. I really enjoyed your book We are the luckiest I have not read pushoff from here yet.
Hi Cindy! I don't think you're insane for thinking this. What it sounds like to me is you have a deep need to express, to share your story and what you've learned--this is a super common and beautiful thing to feel in new sobriety. There are many ways to do this; writing is only one. Do you share often in your recovery communities? Have you tried putting together a talk? Have you taken a stab at writing an essay about some part of your story? Try these things out and see how it feels. If you are indeed called to write a book, it won't leave you alone. That's how you know. It may be that a book is what's calling, or that you really have a deep need to express yourself in SOME form. Either way, you're not insane. Congrats on your sobriety!
Cindy! Please excuse my interruption here. Push Off From Here is an incredible listen if you are into audiobooks. You are NOT insane for wanting to write!!! My eyes give me trouble as well. Just start. Anywhere. Dictate on your phone. Any time you have a thought that needs OUT, do it. Cheering you on from SC:)
I’m 7 years sober and parenting a teenager. It has challenged my newfound emotional regulation skills. I was wondering how you navigate parenting a teenager and what challenges it has brought up for you.
Hey Steph! It's a lot, huh? I am very much flying this plane as it gets built, but I do find it really disregulating at times. There are all the new worries that didn't exist before: social media, parties/drinking/drugs, riding in cars with other kids, body image, etc. It feels so BIG sometimes. And the moods, of course. I'm so glad I'm sober doing it because I can't imagine how hard it would be otherwise.
I've found Dr. Becky Kennedy's work to be helpful. I've found a couple of things that we do together, me and my daughter, that allow us to spend time together that's not about me trying to get her to do things (homework, clean up after herself, whatever) and that's been really good. We drive a good amount to and from school and activities and although I initially moaned about it, I've learned that drives are great places for talking. Sometimes we just listen to music, but sometimes we'll talk. I only know the experience of a teen girl so dynamics may be different for you, but I find myself going back to the "one day at a time" mantra. I can start to trip out about the next thing that's coming, the next change, the what-ifs, and it's never helpful. I catastrophize very easily and have dark thoughts about what may happen to her (this has been going on since she was born; I think it's part of being a mother) and I've learned to let myself sit with those things and feel them in my body instead of push them away.
There's so much fear to navigate. Lastly, I'm just very honest with her in all things. About stuff I'm going through, how I feel, the challenges I have. I have learned to listen to her without trying to fix everything or immediately provide "perspective" and I think, because of that, she tells me more. All the tools of recovery come into play. Surrender. Acceptance. One day at a time. Letting go. Community. Honesty.
UPDATE: I'm answering a few of these this morning and will continue to in the coming days. These are such beautiful questions and I am genuinely enjoying engaging with them and you. They're also sparking some great ideas about future essays and offerings.
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Oh my WORD, these questions! Thank you so much, all of you. I've got to pivot to something else now but I'll come back to them later today (and this week) to answer as many as I can. I just love and appreciate you all so much for being here and trusting me with your minds and hearts. Thank you!
Just to say your podcast with Glennon has changed my life, i am very grateful and i can't wait for your book to come out in the UK
Thank you, Jude. I wish I had news of when that'll be! I know you can get it on Audible and Kindle (at least I think so)?! Actually which book are you talking about: We Are The Luckiest or Push Off?
I have read We Are The Luckiest, and i loved it, but you still cant get Push off on Kindle either here right now on Amazon
Gotcha. Dammit.
Push Off from Here: Nine Essential Truths to Get You Through Sobriety (and Everything Else) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0593498119?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_dp_4D12KJ8VMBMAGD1ZABD0&language=en-GB
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0593498119?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_dp_4D12KJ8VMBMAGD1ZABD0&language=en-GB
Hi Laura! Cool idea with the Q&A. Here's my question: how did you know it was time for a divorce? Like, KNOW know. I quit drinking nearly 5 years ago and I feel like my marriage will just never be the same as it was when we were partying together. It's like we built the foundation on a bunch of booze and now that it's not there, it feels empty. I know you were still drinking when you split from your husband, but any advice for how to navigate marriage as a sober person with someone who still drinks? (I realize there are like 4 questions here, sorry!) Thank you!!
Oh man. I SO WANTED THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. We want to know the one moment, the one thing, the know-know factor that got us to decide. And I could tell you what mine were (and I will, briefly, below), but my knowing factors won't be the same as yours. Every relationship is different. Every heart is different. Every path is different. It's just an impossible thing to forecast or determine for someone else.
I think what we're looking for when we ask this question is a way to escape grief or regret. We want to know which choice will bring less or none. And I can tell you there is no way to escape those things. There is grief and regret if you go; there will be grief and regret if you stay. Divorce is painful and has consequences. Staying is painful and has consequences. You just have to search within yourself until you know which consequences you'd rather live with, and this isn't typically a logical knowing; it comes from somewhere else inside you.
I was deep in my addiction when I was married, but I also had a sense that I'd made the wrong choice--or that I just wanted OUT--almost immediately. Some of this was due to my own issues with intimacy; some of it was not. The most simple way I can state it is, when I looked at the long arc of my life and I imaged getting to the end, I knew it would be a mistake to stay married to him.
This piece from Cheryl Strayed is and was absolute gold for me. Ultimately, I went because the truth that lived there said "Go": https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/
I hope this helps. Big love to you.
Hi Laura! Thanks for allowing us in your world. I’m wondering how you’re currently negotiating your relationship with social media. I remember you took a break a few years back and I believe you’re back on. As someone who has done something similar and struggles with the additive and equally diminishing aspect social media plays in my life, I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings on where you are now in your relationship with social media. Thanks!
Hi Kristy! This is something I'm currently putting a longer piece together about because it's been such an up and down back and forth thing. There's much more than I can say here right now, but I'll provide my high-level thoughts.
Yes, back in 2021 (or 2022?) I got off Instagram and even had a piece published in The New York Times about it 🤪. At the time, I was really reacting to so much of the stress of the pandemic and the civil unrest and the cumulative effect of being on there constantly for 6-7 years. I'd tried to take many "breaks" before then, too. And I'm mostly talking about Instagram because other places never felt sticky to me (Facebook, Twitter). I went back on after a few months at the encouragement of my agent and publisher and a few other folks who thought maybe it wasn't the best career move to be off just yet. I had a new book coming out. I'm still the biggest referred to The Luckiest Club, my community. Etc. So I tried hiring someone several times. I've made all kinds of rules about it. Nothing made it *great* but it was fine-ish.
Over the course of the last year, I started being on less and less. Some of this has to do with where the app has gone. Video content, Reels, endless promotion. I just couldn't make myself do that stuff. But also, a lot of being there less had to do with starting a Substack. There was a place to go and write and connect with other writers and readers. I could still be "heard" without having to get on IG and inhale all it comes with. I never made a decision; I just noticed I was there less and less. When the new year came this year, I noticed I just could...not...do...it. Part of this is needing my full attention to write this next book. But a lot more of it is just a quiet turning away. I didn't want the noise. I didn't make any big declarations; I'm not deleting my account; I don't have a plan. I just told people where to find me, deleted the app on my phone, and that was that. I'll go on to make announcements occasionally. When the We Can Do Hard Things eps came out, I posted those and engaged.
Now that I've been mostly off my brain feels so much better and more quiet. I don't have the urge to document every-fucking-thing (that urge died slowly over the last year). I don't have 100 tabs in my head going about which author is doing what and who is supporting whom and who made this bestseller list and oh, I should think about doing this or that, or whatever.
Of course, there's SO much good that has come from socials for me. It has been huge in forming connections and building my career. I know there are some potential opportunities I will miss, and I also recognize the only reason I'm comfortable doing this is because I've got a certain amount of success under my belt. I have a large list here. I have two books out and a third I'm under contract for. I'm already established on a career path as a writer. I do not think I would feel the same were this not the case.
Personally, I don't care about socials at all. I'm barely there (on Facebook) and the only thing I care about on IG is my daughter's account and her friend's accounts. I do log in on my browser about once a week to look at those.
I hope some of this is helpful?
I love your stuff about working up the strength to make hard decisions or have hard conversations or do anything that is HARD. The woman who told you, “You be the one to push off from here.” I love her and I don’t even know her. My question is why the F does it take so long to work up that strength? Like, I am driving myself bonkers with avoiding something HARD, despite having nearly 2 yrs of sobriety, great people in my life, and a fitness regimen that has me in the best shape of my life at nearly 52 yrs old. How do I battle that avoidance of the hard thing without losing my shit?
I love you, man. Don’t ever stop doing what you’re doing.
Hey Krystal. I wouldn't call it "strength," but courage. Because almost always, the resistance is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the what-ifs, fear of failure, fear, fear, fear. You're not going to wake up one day and be fearless. You'll never be fearless. You just have to learn how to live with the fact that life is basically groundless and nothing is guaranteed. I wouldn't try to "battle the avoidance" but talk to it. Ask it what it's trying to tell you. Write down the fears, play them out. Sometimes we like the idea of something more than we like the reality of doing it. We like our fantasies. For example, many people love the idea of being a writer or writing a book, but they never write. And, in reality, they don't want what comes with being a writer (understandably!). The only way to know if you love the idea more than the reality is to do it. Without knowing what hard thing you're talking about, it's hard for me to say more than that. But please don't beat the shit out of yourself for having resistance. Fear is normal. It's not strength you're looking for, it's courage to do the thing afraid.
Who needs therapy? Okay and yes I will do this..many thanks
😆
“You’re not going to wake up one day and be fearless.”
Boom. Thank you. ♥️
yes! same
I love your writing, your honesty and your brilliant approach to a sober life. I would love any advice on helping my 21 year old-- for whom alcohol has brought nothing but trauma, bad decisions and loss. She is a beautiful, smart, hilarious and soulful university student and we're as close as can be. The only conflict in our relationship--(and that includes her dad and her sister i.e. our family) is her dependence on alcohol. It's like a terrible secret she can't share (although we have broached it many times,) and it causes so much heartache for all of us. We all know she will have to stop drinking eventually -- but as a 21-year-old living on campus it's hardly surprising that not only can she not imagine it - she has no plans to stop any time soon. Instead, she constantly creates new "rules" for herself (much like the young woman in "Drinking Games" i.e. "no shots, only 2 coolers, drink water.." and seems to think she's handling it. (in truth she has improved over the last few tumultuous years.) But it's plain to anyone who watches her around alcohol (like only a mother can!) that her relationship to it-- and the effect it has on her -- is vastly different from her friends, her sister, myself. I once asked if she could ever imagine stopping drinking, to which she answered "Never." "Why?" "Because I love it." Her response was both scary and sad. We don't -- and can't-- prevent her from drinking and it hasn't come to the point where we ban alcohol in the house (she's still an excellent student and maintains close friendships,) but she is coming home for 4 months and it's a source of constant stress and worry. I want the world for her and I know in my heart that to make her dreams comes true, to maintain health and happiness and future employment, she has to live a sober life. Thank you so much for this space!!
Oh, Chris. As a mother, I can feel how scary and painful this is for you. I honestly don't think there is anything more challenging than feeling powerless to prevent or change what your child is going through. It means so much that you're close, that she is loved and supported. No one can predict what her path will be or know why its hers to walk, but it is. A wise friend once said to me about another friend, "She is her own animal with her own destiny," and I think this is a beautiful thing to know when it comes to our children. I often think of this poem by Kahlil Gibran.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
It serves as a ballast for me often. Keep being the wonderful, stable, loving, present mother that you are. Build and maintain your own practices to keep you centered, emotionally sober, and present. If you don't have support, you probably need it. Al-Anon is a great start. xo
A link to the poem because the formatting doesn't come across as it should: https://poets.org/poem/children-1
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, Laura!
Hi Chris. You described me in college. I would’ve answered your question about quitting the exact same way. I managed to do life pretty well after college. Law school, good job, got married, had kids, etc. Internally though, I was tormented by relationship with alcohol. Still, I was happy and would’ve told you I was living a charmed life. And I was for the most part.
Long story short, eventually the scales tipped and I quit at age 44. While I was happy as a drinker, I’ve discovered a whole new way of living that doesn’t even compare with what I was doing before.
All this is to say: (1) your daughter may be evaluating her alcohol use more than she lets on; (2) she may very well get to where she needs to be and where you want her to be; (3) only she can do it (to quote Laura); (4) your love and support along the way will be invaluable to her.
I certainly understand and empathize with your concerns. Our oldest, who is a mini-me, is heading to college next fall and I worry his drinking path will look similar to mine. I just hope it doesn’t take him til age 44 to figure it all out!
So helpful, Todd.
Todd, thank you so much for this. It's so hopeful —and incredibly insightful. :)
Hi Chris, 1. What Laura said. 2. What would it be like if your daughter was healthy and happy? Practice visualizing this for 60 seconds a day (arbitrary number, but swap out a tiny % of fearing the worst for your daughter for imagining the best). 3. Having said that, feel the fear - expressive writing is a free way of alchemising our very understandable fear to freedom. 4. Tend to our own sobriety - I'm a recovering workaholic and judgement-aholic :) 5. It's SO hard to see an adored one struggle - but also an opportunity to be kind to yourself - which is the ultimate role model for your daughter ❤️
thank you for these inspiring words! :)
Hi Laura. I’m wondering (in your experience) if I’ll ever truly be free of the shame I feel about my past. As my sober years increase I get further and further away from it, but sometimes I am transported back—through memories, dreams, flashbacks and I just cringe and feel like I am shrinking inside.
I spend less and less time in that space so I do feel like it is getting smaller…but is it ever really gone? I feel that I try to think of those moments as reminders of a place I never want to be again…like a protective mechanism for my entire organism, and for that I am grateful for the reminder. But it’s still painful. Shame….it’s a tough one.
❤️🙏🏽
Hi Frances. This is so tough, and I remember feeling like I would never, EVER possibly be past the shame. But I am. I have small moments here and there, but they're fleeting.
Time does a lot, but we have to take action. Being part of a recovery community is absolutely key. Participating, sharing, listening, learning in a consistent way with fellow travelers. Also, therapy and potentially something like EMDR, which helps us process our traumatic experiences fully. Writing is a huge tool for me, too. I know that writing and talking about my experiences honestly melted so much of the shame over the years, partially because I was able to get a broader perspective on how I got to the place I did, but also because in writing and speaking, these events lose their charge. And, of course, when we share our truth it connects to the truth of others and we realize how un-unique we are. xo
Thank you for doing this Laura. My question is around working towards writing a memoir, and starting with substack to establish an audience. I’ve read your book (multiple times) and understand that you got your start blogging, and gaining traction that way. Is that correct?
I am not a trained writer, and only found it in the last couple years. I do have a story, one that cannot be published until certain people are no longer here with us. Not all of what I feel and experience can be shared on substack. I suspect you must have experienced this yourself as you navigated your recovery in the early days?
My question for you is: how did you gain traction/credibility as a writer prior to your book so when you were ready to publish you had the audience and support required for such an endeavor?
Hi Phaedra! Yes, I started by publishing on my blog for years, very regularly, and I also had a successful podcast and was on social media (Instagram) quite heavily. I did these things for 5-6 years and also had a few pieces published online in various publications before I got an agent and wrote my first book. I'm not saying this is the requisite amount of time; it's just my story. I had a career in marketing and advertising before and am also not a trained writer.
Do you feel as though you have things you'd like to write about that *are* publishable right now, say here on Substack? Do you have the time and space to write regularly here while also working on your memoir? If not, I would focus on the memoir. Audience matters, but it's not everything. Let go of the timelines in your head for how quickly things should happen or whether or not you're behind the game; you aren't. If you do indeed have time and space to write here, do that, to begin to see what it's like to publish things regularly and for an audience. You'll learn how it feels as you go.
I didn't have to wait for anyone to pass away to begin writing, but I did have to learn how to write about my experiences knowing people I knew would read it, like my family. I wrote a bit about that here https://lauramckowen.substack.com/p/writing-about-other-people. This was a learning curve, and it still is. It takes a certain amount of willingness to be exposed and for others to be exposed, by proxy, even if you aren't writing about them directly. (For example, parents.) Honestly, a lot of the writing I did initially I didn't share--I just started my blog and published things and posted them on Instagram. My family and close friends weren't on there at the time. They started to see things eventually, and there were moments of discomfort, but I didn't let it derail me.
I hope this helps and I wish you tons of luck!
Yes, I am a new published writer in part because you have inspired me here on Substack. Thank you, @Laura.
Thank you Laura, and yes that makes sense and is helpful. I have started posting regularly here on Substack and do feel like I’ve got a lot to say outside of the meat of my memoir, just hasn’t “caught on” with people outside my current connections which is okay. I really do write for myself first but would be lying if I said I didn’t care if others appreciated my work 🤷🏼♀️
I did read the piece you wrote about how to write about experiences including family (I too have an x-husband) and your words were helpful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I still plan to read POFH as well. You are a light, and have been an inspiration and support for me. I appreciate your willingness to share your story and experiences so openly. ✨
So, you've been married, separated, and divorced. Now you are engaged. How did you get to a place where you knew it was a good idea to say forever again? (I'm nearly divorced, hate everything, and cannot imagine that kind of trust again.) Time? Growth? Or was it just so obvious because of the person? I guess I just want to hear something positive from anyone about life after divorce.
Oh, man. I know how you feel. First, there was a long period of time between being divorced and getting engaged again: almost ten years. And I got sober in that time and started a new career. My daughter grew up. A lot of life and a lot of learning.
I wouldn't expect you to feel any different than you do now being *nearly* divorced. It makes sense.
I'll offer this: I don't know if it's a good idea! I have no idea, and I don't think any of us does. Because we can say "forever" but, like, what does that even mean? None of us knows how long we have here or what's going to happen. I just knew I fell in love and felt differently about this man than I had about anyone before. There was tons of time. Tons of growth. But the growth keeps coming, for both of us, and it always will. Life is still lifey. I'm just choosing to do it with him, one day at a time. That's what I know.
Leaving and starting over and going to the next new thing has always been easy for me. Commitment has been a challenging and deeper exploration. This applies to sobriety, friendships, work, and now, this. It feels like my work. Is it a good idea? Shit, I don't know, but it's turned up great, surprising things for me in other areas. There are many ways to create a beautiful life, I think.
I've heard as many terrible stories about love as I have wonderful ones. Both things always exist. Don't take how you feel now as proof of anything solid. The unfortunate and frustrating reality is everything changes, all the time. I'm learning to get more comfortable with that. Nothing is for sure.
I hope this helps?! XOXO
Everything changes. It's one lesson of 1000 I have to re-learn ALL THE TIME. Thank you for the reminder. I'm really happy for you.
How do you manage the ups and downs of early sobriety? I miss the numb but also at the same time, I no longer want to feel numb. (hi from the land of cognitive dissonance)
Join a community. It's honestly impossible otherwise. Can be done in the short-run, but long-term it's just impossible. We need other people who know exactly what we're going through and we need to be able to hear and speak the truth about what's happening, consistently. xo
Totally agree with the community part. Especially one that prioritizes telling the truth. I white-knuckled it through 12 years of non-drinking but there was nothing sober about me - just mean and angry All. The. Time.
My fall was epic, ugly and really hurt a lot of people but mostly me.
This time is different. I've got a great home group and am learning to face my feelings, my fears and to make a difference in myself and my community. 123 days sober and in the immortal words of Nina Simone - And I'm feelin Good.
I couldn’t agree more! I did The Path with Annie Grace and it was life-changing! The content was transformative but the community was the best part. 3.5 years later I still do weekly calls with that group! I haven’t done The Luckiest Club but imagine it would be similar!
ps your work is changing my life. Grateful 🤍
Hi Laura. Sober for 5 months now. I'm 39. If that matters. Both of your books matter the world to me, and carry them to places I may need reinforcement to keep telling myself how great I'm doing and how far I've come. I have a small book published where I'm getting feedback from people coming up to me after talks or through text of friends who gave a copy to someone dealing with something dark. The topics of which I won't say, are very deep. I feel really happy that just a few of my poems of hope has helped them.
I'm working on submitting a proposal to a few major publishers, including the one of your first book. I have a lot to say. I look back at my writings, sometimes in tears, sometimes underwhelmed. I need every word to mean something towards the next in a very particular way. My question is this. When writing a piece on substack, a chapter of your book, or anything else. What's the process? Do you write it, let it breathe for a day, go back with new emerging thoughts? Or once written, do you not overthink it, and if it seems viable towards your goal for that writing, you let it be? I think I just try to make everything so perfect, and as I've learned being sober, nothing is perfect. Ok, thank you very much. Have a wonderful day today.
Great question, Matthew! I'm going to answer this in a future "Behind The Scenes of Book Writing" post, ok? In the next 3-4 weeks I'll publish it. Congrats on your pursuits!
Just wanted to say I love everything you write, keep going. I am subscribed to a few substacks and yours is the only one I consistently read.
Thanks for that, Marriott. It means a lot!
Many content creators, (for lack of a better word) even those with large numbers of followers seem to quitting these days - claiming burnout.
Do you feel any pressure to put out content in order to maintain a presence/following?
If so how would you avoid the burnout so many seem to be experiencing?
Hey James! I think of content creators as folks whose primary job is to create content for social media. Like lifestyle influencers, TikTok stars, etc. I don't follow or know much about what those folks are up to. I can speak to writers and authors who also do social media and I'm definitely seeing a wave of what you're talking about, especially those who are Gen-X (like me) and Millennials who have been using social for over ten years consistently. It's changed so much and it's so much more demanding and laborious to keep up. I mean, I've only ever really done Instagram and I can't even get myself to manage that now, while some folks have Twitter, IG, TikTok, Threads, etc. HOW?!?!
I think the burnout comes partially from the sheer amount of time and effort it takes, but also from the fact that it can so easily distort and/or pull you away from the very creative work you're trying to promote. It requires us to dumb down our art and commodify it, or to commodify ourselves, and there's a soul corruption there. Also, I think people are just exhausting from so many fucking inputs. We aren't meant to be exposed to that many things every day; our brains cannot handle it. When I started to think of my life as content, I became unable to truly experience it. This seems to me to be a devastating loss of interiority.
I don't know if I have tips, per se. I'm still figuring it out myself. I'd definitely say one big fat tip is: DON'T READ COMMENTS. Lol.
Hi! Thank you for this opportunity! So I am about 16 months, sober, and thinking of writing a memoir. I am the furthest thing from being a writer but I have so much inside that I want to get out and share. I am a blend of a few programs, including AA , ACA, Sober Sis, and my faith. To be completely honest, I’m not even much of a reader I have an eye disorder that causes my eyes to fatigue very easily when I’m reading, as well as the words to jump around on the page I really want to write this book but I think I am insane for even thinking this. Would appreciate any feedback. Thanks so so much. I really enjoyed your book We are the luckiest I have not read pushoff from here yet.
Hi Cindy! I don't think you're insane for thinking this. What it sounds like to me is you have a deep need to express, to share your story and what you've learned--this is a super common and beautiful thing to feel in new sobriety. There are many ways to do this; writing is only one. Do you share often in your recovery communities? Have you tried putting together a talk? Have you taken a stab at writing an essay about some part of your story? Try these things out and see how it feels. If you are indeed called to write a book, it won't leave you alone. That's how you know. It may be that a book is what's calling, or that you really have a deep need to express yourself in SOME form. Either way, you're not insane. Congrats on your sobriety!
Cindy! Please excuse my interruption here. Push Off From Here is an incredible listen if you are into audiobooks. You are NOT insane for wanting to write!!! My eyes give me trouble as well. Just start. Anywhere. Dictate on your phone. Any time you have a thought that needs OUT, do it. Cheering you on from SC:)
I’m 7 years sober and parenting a teenager. It has challenged my newfound emotional regulation skills. I was wondering how you navigate parenting a teenager and what challenges it has brought up for you.
Hey Steph! It's a lot, huh? I am very much flying this plane as it gets built, but I do find it really disregulating at times. There are all the new worries that didn't exist before: social media, parties/drinking/drugs, riding in cars with other kids, body image, etc. It feels so BIG sometimes. And the moods, of course. I'm so glad I'm sober doing it because I can't imagine how hard it would be otherwise.
I've found Dr. Becky Kennedy's work to be helpful. I've found a couple of things that we do together, me and my daughter, that allow us to spend time together that's not about me trying to get her to do things (homework, clean up after herself, whatever) and that's been really good. We drive a good amount to and from school and activities and although I initially moaned about it, I've learned that drives are great places for talking. Sometimes we just listen to music, but sometimes we'll talk. I only know the experience of a teen girl so dynamics may be different for you, but I find myself going back to the "one day at a time" mantra. I can start to trip out about the next thing that's coming, the next change, the what-ifs, and it's never helpful. I catastrophize very easily and have dark thoughts about what may happen to her (this has been going on since she was born; I think it's part of being a mother) and I've learned to let myself sit with those things and feel them in my body instead of push them away.
There's so much fear to navigate. Lastly, I'm just very honest with her in all things. About stuff I'm going through, how I feel, the challenges I have. I have learned to listen to her without trying to fix everything or immediately provide "perspective" and I think, because of that, she tells me more. All the tools of recovery come into play. Surrender. Acceptance. One day at a time. Letting go. Community. Honesty.
Sending you love!
This is excellent advice!
Just want to say thanks for being you!