I read Perry's book shortly after it came out. I was an avid Friends fan and his book was a gut punch in that I had no clue prior to reading it the deep grips his addiction had on him. That being said, I didn't like his book much at all, and I couldn't figure out why. I think you bring up an interesting perspective that I will have to think about. I initially thought it was because I felt like there was something he wasn't being completely honest about, which is wild to say given how many horrific details he includes.
Now Matthew Perry's death - that was the bigger gut punch. I got the text from another friend in recovery when I was driving home from dinner with my husband who is also a huge Friends fan. He said, "wow, I can tell tell by the look on your face this is hitting you hard" and all I could say was "yea, he was an addict no different than me and its always hard when someone loses the fight to it and you are still living." I am still in awe as to why I get to live and they don't.
I really hate this post mortem we do as a culture to those who struggle with addiction though. Like why the fuck does it really matter what the discrete details of his toxicology report were? It doesn't really to me. Maybe I feel this way because my brother was found dead at the age of 29 in the ice cream shop where he worked the next day when the owner came in to open. At the time of his death everyone thought he was clean from the crystal meth addiction he had been battling for the 8 years prior to that time. His toxicology report showed cocaine and amphetamine in his system (he convinced the indigent clinic to prescribe him adderrall which is amphetamine and he had his prescription hidden all over his car and apartment when we went to clean them out). We found out after asking his friends that he had gone out a couple nights before and used coke because he had been doing so good and he thought he deserved it. Were either of these things what killed him? Was it that his heart and body had just taken too much abuse from all the wear and tear over that time?
It really didn't matter to me in the same way it doesn't really matter to me exactly how Matthew Perry died. He was a human in a tremendous amount of pain, who tried to medicate his pain in the same ways that I did in a society that offered him little to no grace because of it. Mostly judgement and shame.
I hope we can start to learn to treat humans like my brother and Matthew Perry with a little more dignity and respect when they are alive and maybe they will have a better chance of staying with us. For now, I am glad to know neither of them are suffering in this sometime intolerable world any longer.
I so appreciate all your thoughts here, Molly. I felt such a huge ache reading about your brother. I've heard bits and pieces before but I've never really heard you express all that, and my God, how excruciating for you and your family. You're amazing. I feel the same way about the toxicology report. I don't care.
Molly, I am so sorry about your brother. What a profoundly awful and life altering event for you and your family. I have lost many people to addiction, in one way shape or form. And a mother to suicide which had nothing to do with addiction. It is my belief as well that peace is found for them after leaving this awful world. It is us who remain that have to sort the life changing emotions around it all. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I too could care less what is on Matthew Perry’s tox report. It changes nothing. And your point about learning to treat humans like your brother, Matthew Perry and so many countless others with respect and DIGNITY is so true. I am one of them! I have been a part of many “recovery” programs in my life and unfortunately find that some of the harshest judgement can come from those who should be showing the most compassion by way of similarly walking in their shoes. I will agree and will just leave that right here.
"That being said, I didn't like his book much at all, and I couldn't figure out why. I think you bring up an interesting perspective that I will have to think about. I initially thought it was because I felt like there was something he wasn't being completely honest about, which is wild to say given how many horrific details he includes."
I sensed there were parts of his inner world he wasn't being honest with himself about and that's what came across.
I appreciate your well thought out perspective on all of this. But I respectfully disagree. What I do agree with is that I got the same sense he is still not at peace. From both the reunion show and then the memoir. Sometimes I felt he was “off” during interviews. But mainly just that he was sad. And lonely. And he was sick; he did a lot of damage to his body. And here is the thing. Maybe he wasn’t there yet. But where is “there” anyway? His journey was his journey, it’s his story and truth. I can relate to him. I have been in the grip of this since I first picked up a drink as a teen. Zero to one hundred and no looking back. Not the drugs but the alcohol, as a lot of us can. I can relate to not yet achieving any of my dreams outside of professional. I am 42 and I am not married and don’t have a family because I could only keep my shit together to be successful in one area. I consciously made this decision. And successful I have been. Some how. As hard as I have gotten kicked by this, I have always tried to kick back just as hard. It doesn’t matter how often he fell or for how long he fell when he did. He never stopped trying. Many, if not most, never try at all. Not all of us “recover.” What does that actually even mean? And we certainly don’t all recover the same if we do. He felt that it was his responsibility to use his platform to tell his story. A platform that has the attention of more people than most other humans could possibly ever reach. His story was no less impactful being told while still in process. Still in the process of genuinely lfinding peace and true freedom from the chains of addiction. In fact I could make an argument that it was more impactful because of. To me, his legacy is that he never gave up. From my view, he has created an intentional legacy unique to any other. I celebrate him and all the beautiful things he was and represents. The loss of him is a great one. But what we gain from his entertainment and his documented & shared experience with the big terrible thing is so much greater. He is a gift, not a tragedy.
Rest Matthew Perry and may you be experiencing the most unbelievable kind of peace that you could never have ever imagined here on earth.
PS, I finally made a firm decision to find my own peace and build my life. My date IS 11/1/23. I started S90 as well and am just thrilled to be there. The relief to get off the hampster wheel. To rest. To feel safe. The relief to just make the decision. All along, I just had to simply make a decision 😊
Hi Jennifer! I'm so glad you're in S90 and that you've made the decision. It is such a relief to MAKE it, right?
I have to say, because I want others to read this, that there absolutely is such a thing as recovery. No, not everyone gets there-and that is the crux of what I wrote here-and it's not for a lack of trying or want, in many cases. But there is such a thing as recovery. It is real. It's not a final destination or a place we get to keep without work, but it's a place. I live there most of the time now. I am not tortured, I don't have to wrestle with an unending darkness, and my life has become something unimaginably beautiful, and I feel connected to myself and the world in a way that was not possible before. There is a place of recovery. It requires, for sure, a certain amount of physically sober time to begin. I'm don't think he ever had that.
I'm not sure he felt it was his responsibility to write the book. How do we know that? He was self-admittedly addicted to external validation (which is so human). How do we know the thing he wanted so desperately wasn't also what ultimately killed him? He said in interviews after the book launched that his face was everywhere again. It hadn't been for so long, and there it was. And the moment his book tour ended he shut himself in, as I imagine it was an extreme high, and yet he found himself still unchanged, still in pain, after it was all over. This is only my assumption, none of us will ever really know, but a part of me wonders (and I said this publicly) if it wasn't the book that did him in.
I do agree that part of his legacy is that he didn't stop trying. And, also, of course, all the things we will never know about him that only those close to him did: his personality, how he treated them, his heart. Those are most important.
Matthew's story is publicly impactful because its archetypal. He is a gift, but his story-to me-is tragic. Both things are true. So many things are true.
Oh, Laura, your point about the book & a return to being in the spotlight and getting more of that external validation took my breath away. That it may have fanned that other addiction within him and started a new fire burning again to feed all of the addictions. Cunning, baffling, and powerful never sleeps.
"He is a gift, not a tragedy." I disagree, in a nuanced but profound way. He is a gift, AND a tragedy. And neither takes away from the depth of the other.
Jennifer - I so appreciate your honesty here, and 11.1.23 is a great date. As someone who has taken S90 myself I can say with confidence that it is rich with tools to help you find that relief I can tell by your words you are craving. Rooting for you as a fellow "noodle in the soup" - TLC is a beautiful place to recover.
Thanks Molly 💜 I really appreciate your note. I am beyond thrilled to be where I am, which I know is exactly where I am supposed to be. Looking forward to using this as a structured pushing off point to get this all behind me and pick up some new tools and find common community. Time to get busy living!
Yes, yes. I was deeply unsettled by his book on first reading and also wondered how secure he was in his sobriety. My first thought on hearing the news was "his book was his good-bye letter" and my heart broke.
I couldn’t agree more. I devoured his book, read it in less than 48 hours. I felt so fearful for him. It was so hard to see how sick he still was, how much toll his body had taken, how alone and also lonely he felt. My heart broke for him. I rewatched the friends reunion after he died, and most of the things he said reflected fear, aloneness, lack of self-worth. He was such a creative, sensitive, intelligent person. Heartbreak. I’m shocked that people could see a hero’s story in that book. Gods speed to him, holding his family and friends in my heart.
Thank you for writing about this, as always, so thoughtfully Laura. I starting listening to the audiobook the day after I heard the news of his passing and completed it by the next day. It was... a tough listen. Of course, knowing that he was no longer with us made it extra sad. I kept doing mental math of different dates and times for when he likely wrote certain parts to now, his passing. It was such a short period of time. It made me fearful of relapse myself. It made me deeply sad for him and all who struggle. Sad that so many of us who are by all measures talented, beautiful, successful people can feel so lonely and worthless and unloveable inside. Our brains preventing us from seeing ourselves clearly. Thank you for providing this space for me to write out my thoughts and feelings about this. And through your work and coaching reaching into the canyon to provide me a rope to climb up and out. I am so grateful.
I’m so sad for the loss. I watched “Friends” in college and grad school. It was appointment tv. This was a great awakening for me. No one knows how many binges one’s body can take. How much abuse is my body prepared for? This article made me take a serious look at my life and how I want to live and how I want to die. 165 days sober is not much but it’s a good start. I don’t want to leave the people I love too soon. I’m even more committed to a lifetime of sobriety. Thank you, Laura, for taking this tough topic and changing people’s lives.
I’m the parent of someone in recovery and Matthew Perry’s death hit me hard. I never really watched the show, I guess I knew him more as someone fighting the fight. And he seemed so full of pain and loneliness.
When my kid falls off the radar I know he’s in trouble. I imagine it like him disappearing behind a plexiglass wall and him pulling the curtain. I can’t tell if he’s safe. I don’t know if he’s alive. I know he’s looking into a canyon that’s so deep and I need to wait for him to pull the curtain back or to ask for help to do so. And I always will. He is so full of goodness and so worth the fight.
I have no doubt Matthew and his family did everything could. The loss must feel so overwhelming. As Laura says, loving someone in active addiction is just another address in the same hell.
Christine, I can guess but can't know how Matthew's story hits you uniquely. Thank you for sharing this for me and for all of us here. Parents who love a child struggling with addiction are warriors of another level. Thank you for talking about your son here. I wish you and him so much love and peace.
I want to comment on your "throat clearing" preface. I think you showed kindness and grace in writing it.
But please know as a reader I want to hear what resonates most to you AND where you have the experience to provide valuable perspective. And that's exactly what your post did. So, thank you.
I couldn’t read his book. When I saw Matthew Perry doing interviews I just knew in my gut he was so so not okay. Like Laura said….inches from the canyon edge. And like others, it scared me deeply, because, maybe it meant I’m not nearly as far back from the edge as I think. Mournful, sad, a bit angry and a lot more diligent after his death.
I think one of the best outcomes of this (and I imagine he'd agree) was that this makes those of us on the canyon edge more grateful and more diligent.
That's a comforting thought to hold onto, Laura. Thank you for that. <3 In the Tom Power interview, he expressed such a desire to want to help others find sobriety, even as he continued to struggle with it himself. We can't write each others' endings, but since this was his, helping others in recovery be more grateful and more diligent is an outcome that will change many lives. I think he'd find great fulfillment and peace in that. That his purpose and all of his pain and struggles will help others. That he mattered, and that who he really was mattered.
I felt exactly the same. After his death I quickly listened to the audiobook narrated by himself. And when I finished I felt really sad. Sad for him and all addicts that never seem to get long term sobriety. Learning that Mathew lived decades suffering in addiction, my thought was did he have enough time in sobriety to actually write the book with confidence that he was done? All the money and fame in the world couldn’t help him heal. My hope is that his last few years were lived with him knowing that he could do it. That he had done it. That’s the best feeling of accomplishment in the world. And Mathew, like everyone, deserves that.
"my thought was did he have enough time in sobriety to actually write the book with confidence that he was done?" -- There's no way he did, and part of me feels so much anger for those who let this book happen and probably cheered with delight at how well it would do/how much money it would make. He obviously, ultimately, made the decision to do it. And who knows? Perhaps he believed he was in a good enough place, but it didn't sound like it. Or, perhaps, he wanted to write about the struggle knowing he was never going to be out of it. We will never know.
I have not read his book and I did not join the book club for that reason. I still saw so much pain and anguish in him with who he was in addiction and saw that he had so much healing to do. I know that trauma and pain was at the root of my issues with drinking. It was the only thing ever in my life that calmed the hamster wheel that was my brain and anxiety I saw so much pain in his eyes and in his words. Having been sober for 3 years, I’ve seen so many people I now count as family deal with the impact alcohol has had on their body - and most due to cancer. I explained to my daughter who told me Matthew had died that there was just too much damage for him to live any longer than he did. I know I am squirrelly around any check up or scan because I know that alcohol was unkind to my body. I look at Matthew like I look at Robin Williams. They were both so impactful in my life and how I moved through life and yet there was so much pain behind their funny. I hurt for his friends that loved him so much. I hurt for the grief I see behind every poignant moment when Chandler caught us right in the feels. I have the book to read when I’m ready but I’m just not there yet. Thank you for writing this. It helped me find some more words to explain what I’m feeling -Cathy
I liked his book, but I do think it lacked a certain resoluteness and I did worry the addiction would consume him again. His death was crushing to me for a number of reasons, but I think the saddest thing I felt for him is that he will never have the opportunity to have the relationship or the children he deeply desired. I could see him trying so hard for that and just never really getting there because of his addiction, and it broke my heart. May his soul be finally at rest.
Thank you, Laura, for writing this and addressing Matthew Perry's death. When I heard the news, I wanted to be in sober spaces and see if others were feeling what I was feeling. The scared, sickening reminder of how "cunning, baffling, and powerful" addiction is. That the edge of the canyon is always there, as you put it so aptly.
Instead, I found interviews with him online and kind of went down a rabbit hole, reading and watching, only growing the sickening feeling in my gut, but it is always how I've processed grief in the midst of public tragedy. Immerse myself in the details, my brain trying to make sense of what ultimately makes no sense. There was one interview with Canadian Tom Power that was particularly haunting, as an audience member asked near the end how Matthew would like to be remembered. He answered that he wanted to be remembered for helping other people who struggle with addiction, that he felt he had answers that could help people, and that even if he helped only one other person find sobriety, that was what he'd be most proud of. Not for all of his celebrity/fame/stardom, not for making people laugh over many years on Friends. He spoke of craving fame early on in life and envying others who had found it. And once he had it, he realized that it wasn't at all what he'd thought it would be, that it wasn't enough.
I didn't read his book last year, couldn't bring myself to at the time, but now I know I will, which feels a little sick and twisted to me, but it's also that I want to witness his story, and want the sickening reminder of the ever-present canyon, need the reminder of it, as it could come for me, too.
Yes, there is more and more sadness and horror in the news each and every day, especially lately, but remembering the life of a person who struggled with addiction AND wanted to help other people beat it, even while still battling and struggling himself, feels deeply important to do. Thank you for doing it and for creating spaces where we can come to talk about loss AND life in recovery, and the ways that a loss like this affect those of us in recovery differently than people not in recovery. I hope Matthew has now found the peace that eluded him on this planet for a lifetime.
I didn’t love his book either, for other, less important reasons. I didn’t have the visceral reaction to it you did, but I certainly felt the same “this story isn’t over” dread that you did. I didn’t get the sense he was truly at peace; in fact, I felt like he would never find it. I almost don’t even want to know the true cause of his death. In a lot of respects I don’t think it matters. I feel much the same way after his death that I did after reading his memoir: it’s just sad. It’s all so sad.
So well said. I was surprised that people were “shocked “by his passing. I did not read the book but I watched him on interviews following the book release. He was visibly unwell. The way he spoke about his ICU hospital stays(one was for 7 months I believe) and the physical toll drugs took on his body clearly left him a chronically sick person. I am a nurse and was not surprised at all to see that he died- his body was put through tremendous abuse during his lifetime. May he rest in peace.
It’s shocking because he is in a character that is in the living rooms of millions and millions across the globe every hour of every day making them laugh and helping them find peace and joy through their obstacles in life. While he made the world smile, he suffered unimaginably and far beyond what anybody could have ever suspected. That he is no longer here. This is the shock.
I read Perry's book shortly after it came out. I was an avid Friends fan and his book was a gut punch in that I had no clue prior to reading it the deep grips his addiction had on him. That being said, I didn't like his book much at all, and I couldn't figure out why. I think you bring up an interesting perspective that I will have to think about. I initially thought it was because I felt like there was something he wasn't being completely honest about, which is wild to say given how many horrific details he includes.
Now Matthew Perry's death - that was the bigger gut punch. I got the text from another friend in recovery when I was driving home from dinner with my husband who is also a huge Friends fan. He said, "wow, I can tell tell by the look on your face this is hitting you hard" and all I could say was "yea, he was an addict no different than me and its always hard when someone loses the fight to it and you are still living." I am still in awe as to why I get to live and they don't.
I really hate this post mortem we do as a culture to those who struggle with addiction though. Like why the fuck does it really matter what the discrete details of his toxicology report were? It doesn't really to me. Maybe I feel this way because my brother was found dead at the age of 29 in the ice cream shop where he worked the next day when the owner came in to open. At the time of his death everyone thought he was clean from the crystal meth addiction he had been battling for the 8 years prior to that time. His toxicology report showed cocaine and amphetamine in his system (he convinced the indigent clinic to prescribe him adderrall which is amphetamine and he had his prescription hidden all over his car and apartment when we went to clean them out). We found out after asking his friends that he had gone out a couple nights before and used coke because he had been doing so good and he thought he deserved it. Were either of these things what killed him? Was it that his heart and body had just taken too much abuse from all the wear and tear over that time?
It really didn't matter to me in the same way it doesn't really matter to me exactly how Matthew Perry died. He was a human in a tremendous amount of pain, who tried to medicate his pain in the same ways that I did in a society that offered him little to no grace because of it. Mostly judgement and shame.
I hope we can start to learn to treat humans like my brother and Matthew Perry with a little more dignity and respect when they are alive and maybe they will have a better chance of staying with us. For now, I am glad to know neither of them are suffering in this sometime intolerable world any longer.
I so appreciate all your thoughts here, Molly. I felt such a huge ache reading about your brother. I've heard bits and pieces before but I've never really heard you express all that, and my God, how excruciating for you and your family. You're amazing. I feel the same way about the toxicology report. I don't care.
Molly, I am so sorry about your brother. What a profoundly awful and life altering event for you and your family. I have lost many people to addiction, in one way shape or form. And a mother to suicide which had nothing to do with addiction. It is my belief as well that peace is found for them after leaving this awful world. It is us who remain that have to sort the life changing emotions around it all. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I too could care less what is on Matthew Perry’s tox report. It changes nothing. And your point about learning to treat humans like your brother, Matthew Perry and so many countless others with respect and DIGNITY is so true. I am one of them! I have been a part of many “recovery” programs in my life and unfortunately find that some of the harshest judgement can come from those who should be showing the most compassion by way of similarly walking in their shoes. I will agree and will just leave that right here.
Thank you for your post 💜
🤍
I feel that same thing…. He had what I have and now he’s dead but I’m not. Wtf. It will never not be terrifying and mysterious.
"That being said, I didn't like his book much at all, and I couldn't figure out why. I think you bring up an interesting perspective that I will have to think about. I initially thought it was because I felt like there was something he wasn't being completely honest about, which is wild to say given how many horrific details he includes."
I sensed there were parts of his inner world he wasn't being honest with himself about and that's what came across.
Thank you for sharing your story, Molly.
I appreciate your well thought out perspective on all of this. But I respectfully disagree. What I do agree with is that I got the same sense he is still not at peace. From both the reunion show and then the memoir. Sometimes I felt he was “off” during interviews. But mainly just that he was sad. And lonely. And he was sick; he did a lot of damage to his body. And here is the thing. Maybe he wasn’t there yet. But where is “there” anyway? His journey was his journey, it’s his story and truth. I can relate to him. I have been in the grip of this since I first picked up a drink as a teen. Zero to one hundred and no looking back. Not the drugs but the alcohol, as a lot of us can. I can relate to not yet achieving any of my dreams outside of professional. I am 42 and I am not married and don’t have a family because I could only keep my shit together to be successful in one area. I consciously made this decision. And successful I have been. Some how. As hard as I have gotten kicked by this, I have always tried to kick back just as hard. It doesn’t matter how often he fell or for how long he fell when he did. He never stopped trying. Many, if not most, never try at all. Not all of us “recover.” What does that actually even mean? And we certainly don’t all recover the same if we do. He felt that it was his responsibility to use his platform to tell his story. A platform that has the attention of more people than most other humans could possibly ever reach. His story was no less impactful being told while still in process. Still in the process of genuinely lfinding peace and true freedom from the chains of addiction. In fact I could make an argument that it was more impactful because of. To me, his legacy is that he never gave up. From my view, he has created an intentional legacy unique to any other. I celebrate him and all the beautiful things he was and represents. The loss of him is a great one. But what we gain from his entertainment and his documented & shared experience with the big terrible thing is so much greater. He is a gift, not a tragedy.
Rest Matthew Perry and may you be experiencing the most unbelievable kind of peace that you could never have ever imagined here on earth.
PS, I finally made a firm decision to find my own peace and build my life. My date IS 11/1/23. I started S90 as well and am just thrilled to be there. The relief to get off the hampster wheel. To rest. To feel safe. The relief to just make the decision. All along, I just had to simply make a decision 😊
Hi Jennifer! I'm so glad you're in S90 and that you've made the decision. It is such a relief to MAKE it, right?
I have to say, because I want others to read this, that there absolutely is such a thing as recovery. No, not everyone gets there-and that is the crux of what I wrote here-and it's not for a lack of trying or want, in many cases. But there is such a thing as recovery. It is real. It's not a final destination or a place we get to keep without work, but it's a place. I live there most of the time now. I am not tortured, I don't have to wrestle with an unending darkness, and my life has become something unimaginably beautiful, and I feel connected to myself and the world in a way that was not possible before. There is a place of recovery. It requires, for sure, a certain amount of physically sober time to begin. I'm don't think he ever had that.
I'm not sure he felt it was his responsibility to write the book. How do we know that? He was self-admittedly addicted to external validation (which is so human). How do we know the thing he wanted so desperately wasn't also what ultimately killed him? He said in interviews after the book launched that his face was everywhere again. It hadn't been for so long, and there it was. And the moment his book tour ended he shut himself in, as I imagine it was an extreme high, and yet he found himself still unchanged, still in pain, after it was all over. This is only my assumption, none of us will ever really know, but a part of me wonders (and I said this publicly) if it wasn't the book that did him in.
I do agree that part of his legacy is that he didn't stop trying. And, also, of course, all the things we will never know about him that only those close to him did: his personality, how he treated them, his heart. Those are most important.
Matthew's story is publicly impactful because its archetypal. He is a gift, but his story-to me-is tragic. Both things are true. So many things are true.
Regardless, I am rooting for you.
Thanks so much for reminding me that recovery IS possible.
It makes so much sense to me that the book may have pushed him into an even darker place. Thanks for your insight Laura.
Oh, Laura, your point about the book & a return to being in the spotlight and getting more of that external validation took my breath away. That it may have fanned that other addiction within him and started a new fire burning again to feed all of the addictions. Cunning, baffling, and powerful never sleeps.
"He is a gift, not a tragedy." I disagree, in a nuanced but profound way. He is a gift, AND a tragedy. And neither takes away from the depth of the other.
Jennifer - I so appreciate your honesty here, and 11.1.23 is a great date. As someone who has taken S90 myself I can say with confidence that it is rich with tools to help you find that relief I can tell by your words you are craving. Rooting for you as a fellow "noodle in the soup" - TLC is a beautiful place to recover.
Thanks Molly 💜 I really appreciate your note. I am beyond thrilled to be where I am, which I know is exactly where I am supposed to be. Looking forward to using this as a structured pushing off point to get this all behind me and pick up some new tools and find common community. Time to get busy living!
I am pulling for you. You can do this.
Thanks Robin, I really appreciate it! I feel excited and so hopeful 💜
Yes, yes. I was deeply unsettled by his book on first reading and also wondered how secure he was in his sobriety. My first thought on hearing the news was "his book was his good-bye letter" and my heart broke.
I couldn’t agree more. I devoured his book, read it in less than 48 hours. I felt so fearful for him. It was so hard to see how sick he still was, how much toll his body had taken, how alone and also lonely he felt. My heart broke for him. I rewatched the friends reunion after he died, and most of the things he said reflected fear, aloneness, lack of self-worth. He was such a creative, sensitive, intelligent person. Heartbreak. I’m shocked that people could see a hero’s story in that book. Gods speed to him, holding his family and friends in my heart.
Yes, it was the loneliness that hurt most. The unending, bottomless pain he clearly felt.
Thank you for writing about this, as always, so thoughtfully Laura. I starting listening to the audiobook the day after I heard the news of his passing and completed it by the next day. It was... a tough listen. Of course, knowing that he was no longer with us made it extra sad. I kept doing mental math of different dates and times for when he likely wrote certain parts to now, his passing. It was such a short period of time. It made me fearful of relapse myself. It made me deeply sad for him and all who struggle. Sad that so many of us who are by all measures talented, beautiful, successful people can feel so lonely and worthless and unloveable inside. Our brains preventing us from seeing ourselves clearly. Thank you for providing this space for me to write out my thoughts and feelings about this. And through your work and coaching reaching into the canyon to provide me a rope to climb up and out. I am so grateful.
It's dumb, but I didn't think about the fact that probably many people would go out and read his book now. Always love hearing from you, Megan. xo
I’m so sad for the loss. I watched “Friends” in college and grad school. It was appointment tv. This was a great awakening for me. No one knows how many binges one’s body can take. How much abuse is my body prepared for? This article made me take a serious look at my life and how I want to live and how I want to die. 165 days sober is not much but it’s a good start. I don’t want to leave the people I love too soon. I’m even more committed to a lifetime of sobriety. Thank you, Laura, for taking this tough topic and changing people’s lives.
I'm so glad this was helpful for you, Laura. #8
I wish he had been in TLC. He would have been loved so much maybe he would have been able to see his true worth.
I’m the parent of someone in recovery and Matthew Perry’s death hit me hard. I never really watched the show, I guess I knew him more as someone fighting the fight. And he seemed so full of pain and loneliness.
When my kid falls off the radar I know he’s in trouble. I imagine it like him disappearing behind a plexiglass wall and him pulling the curtain. I can’t tell if he’s safe. I don’t know if he’s alive. I know he’s looking into a canyon that’s so deep and I need to wait for him to pull the curtain back or to ask for help to do so. And I always will. He is so full of goodness and so worth the fight.
I have no doubt Matthew and his family did everything could. The loss must feel so overwhelming. As Laura says, loving someone in active addiction is just another address in the same hell.
Christine, I can guess but can't know how Matthew's story hits you uniquely. Thank you for sharing this for me and for all of us here. Parents who love a child struggling with addiction are warriors of another level. Thank you for talking about your son here. I wish you and him so much love and peace.
Christine, I too am a parent of a son who is "so full of goodness and so worth the fight". I really appreciated your comment.
I want to comment on your "throat clearing" preface. I think you showed kindness and grace in writing it.
But please know as a reader I want to hear what resonates most to you AND where you have the experience to provide valuable perspective. And that's exactly what your post did. So, thank you.
Thank you for saying that David. :)
DITTO - to all of this David.
I couldn’t read his book. When I saw Matthew Perry doing interviews I just knew in my gut he was so so not okay. Like Laura said….inches from the canyon edge. And like others, it scared me deeply, because, maybe it meant I’m not nearly as far back from the edge as I think. Mournful, sad, a bit angry and a lot more diligent after his death.
I think one of the best outcomes of this (and I imagine he'd agree) was that this makes those of us on the canyon edge more grateful and more diligent.
That's a comforting thought to hold onto, Laura. Thank you for that. <3 In the Tom Power interview, he expressed such a desire to want to help others find sobriety, even as he continued to struggle with it himself. We can't write each others' endings, but since this was his, helping others in recovery be more grateful and more diligent is an outcome that will change many lives. I think he'd find great fulfillment and peace in that. That his purpose and all of his pain and struggles will help others. That he mattered, and that who he really was mattered.
I felt exactly the same. After his death I quickly listened to the audiobook narrated by himself. And when I finished I felt really sad. Sad for him and all addicts that never seem to get long term sobriety. Learning that Mathew lived decades suffering in addiction, my thought was did he have enough time in sobriety to actually write the book with confidence that he was done? All the money and fame in the world couldn’t help him heal. My hope is that his last few years were lived with him knowing that he could do it. That he had done it. That’s the best feeling of accomplishment in the world. And Mathew, like everyone, deserves that.
"my thought was did he have enough time in sobriety to actually write the book with confidence that he was done?" -- There's no way he did, and part of me feels so much anger for those who let this book happen and probably cheered with delight at how well it would do/how much money it would make. He obviously, ultimately, made the decision to do it. And who knows? Perhaps he believed he was in a good enough place, but it didn't sound like it. Or, perhaps, he wanted to write about the struggle knowing he was never going to be out of it. We will never know.
I have not read his book and I did not join the book club for that reason. I still saw so much pain and anguish in him with who he was in addiction and saw that he had so much healing to do. I know that trauma and pain was at the root of my issues with drinking. It was the only thing ever in my life that calmed the hamster wheel that was my brain and anxiety I saw so much pain in his eyes and in his words. Having been sober for 3 years, I’ve seen so many people I now count as family deal with the impact alcohol has had on their body - and most due to cancer. I explained to my daughter who told me Matthew had died that there was just too much damage for him to live any longer than he did. I know I am squirrelly around any check up or scan because I know that alcohol was unkind to my body. I look at Matthew like I look at Robin Williams. They were both so impactful in my life and how I moved through life and yet there was so much pain behind their funny. I hurt for his friends that loved him so much. I hurt for the grief I see behind every poignant moment when Chandler caught us right in the feels. I have the book to read when I’m ready but I’m just not there yet. Thank you for writing this. It helped me find some more words to explain what I’m feeling -Cathy
God. Robin Williams. Some people are just too tender for this world. A certain kind of genius that is both a gift and a curse.
Thank you for this. You have a perfect writing of what was on my heart about Matthew Perry. May he find peace now.
XO
I liked his book, but I do think it lacked a certain resoluteness and I did worry the addiction would consume him again. His death was crushing to me for a number of reasons, but I think the saddest thing I felt for him is that he will never have the opportunity to have the relationship or the children he deeply desired. I could see him trying so hard for that and just never really getting there because of his addiction, and it broke my heart. May his soul be finally at rest.
Yes. I felt the same re: children and a partnership. It was so clear he wanted that. We are often told we get forever tries, but we don't.
Thank you, Laura, for writing this and addressing Matthew Perry's death. When I heard the news, I wanted to be in sober spaces and see if others were feeling what I was feeling. The scared, sickening reminder of how "cunning, baffling, and powerful" addiction is. That the edge of the canyon is always there, as you put it so aptly.
Instead, I found interviews with him online and kind of went down a rabbit hole, reading and watching, only growing the sickening feeling in my gut, but it is always how I've processed grief in the midst of public tragedy. Immerse myself in the details, my brain trying to make sense of what ultimately makes no sense. There was one interview with Canadian Tom Power that was particularly haunting, as an audience member asked near the end how Matthew would like to be remembered. He answered that he wanted to be remembered for helping other people who struggle with addiction, that he felt he had answers that could help people, and that even if he helped only one other person find sobriety, that was what he'd be most proud of. Not for all of his celebrity/fame/stardom, not for making people laugh over many years on Friends. He spoke of craving fame early on in life and envying others who had found it. And once he had it, he realized that it wasn't at all what he'd thought it would be, that it wasn't enough.
I didn't read his book last year, couldn't bring myself to at the time, but now I know I will, which feels a little sick and twisted to me, but it's also that I want to witness his story, and want the sickening reminder of the ever-present canyon, need the reminder of it, as it could come for me, too.
Yes, there is more and more sadness and horror in the news each and every day, especially lately, but remembering the life of a person who struggled with addiction AND wanted to help other people beat it, even while still battling and struggling himself, feels deeply important to do. Thank you for doing it and for creating spaces where we can come to talk about loss AND life in recovery, and the ways that a loss like this affect those of us in recovery differently than people not in recovery. I hope Matthew has now found the peace that eluded him on this planet for a lifetime.
I didn’t love his book either, for other, less important reasons. I didn’t have the visceral reaction to it you did, but I certainly felt the same “this story isn’t over” dread that you did. I didn’t get the sense he was truly at peace; in fact, I felt like he would never find it. I almost don’t even want to know the true cause of his death. In a lot of respects I don’t think it matters. I feel much the same way after his death that I did after reading his memoir: it’s just sad. It’s all so sad.
I don't think it matters either, Todd. And there were plenty of less important reasons the book bothered me, too.
So well said. I was surprised that people were “shocked “by his passing. I did not read the book but I watched him on interviews following the book release. He was visibly unwell. The way he spoke about his ICU hospital stays(one was for 7 months I believe) and the physical toll drugs took on his body clearly left him a chronically sick person. I am a nurse and was not surprised at all to see that he died- his body was put through tremendous abuse during his lifetime. May he rest in peace.
It’s shocking because he is in a character that is in the living rooms of millions and millions across the globe every hour of every day making them laugh and helping them find peace and joy through their obstacles in life. While he made the world smile, he suffered unimaginably and far beyond what anybody could have ever suspected. That he is no longer here. This is the shock.
I didn’t say it wasn’t sad. Of course it is. It’s just not shocking in the physical sense.