You really hit it out of the park with this very insightful piece. You’re right: that perfect time to stop will never come and find myself still waiting. I just turned 68 and I know I can’t continue waiting.
Oh my goodness. Thank you. My entire life is going to either have to implode - at this point, it might with or without my permission- or I will not survive. I needed to read this. Thank you again.
I’m just a few years younger than you are, and that’s been my experience too. Even the crappiest times have brought lessons and experiences that become more valuable the longer I’ve had to reflect.
This resonates in so many ways. I'm also an Enneagram 7 and my dominoes recently fell. It's hard to let that pain in and face it but this is an amazing reminder to trust the wave and know i'll come back up, albeit banged up. Thank you for your insights and putting this out there!
💯 Richard Rohr talks about ‘necessary suffering’ in his book ‘Falling upward’ - the idea that suffering is necessary for growth, that if we live without pain, there is no impetus for change. I think the message can get confused with ‘suffering is good’, a toxic resignation/passivity to suffering that is/was a feature of Irish Catholicism in particular.
Having been in recovery for 3 years but still struggling, I know that my times of greatest suffering have been my times of greatest growth and healing. If I cannot face the pain, the pain will consume me.
The discussion of pain reminds me of a book I am currently reading: Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, MD. Treating pain with pain has been around for centuries. Examples: acupuncture, ice cold baths, flogging and even tattoos. The balance of pain vs. pleasure, etc...
Thank you so much for writing this, Laura. Like you, I was wholeheartedly terrified that life would be over after giving up alcohol. But letting go has enabled me to start finding myself. The life that wants to live in me. I think you have said before it is like seeing in color rather than black and white. Even after 16 months, I am still amazed at how much I am learning about myself and how much healing can occur when I sit with my emotions, even though it is difficult. I am looking forward to your next 4 installments 💜
Your writing continues to inspire and help me on the journey. As a former student of the Bigger Yes Course - this series is keeping it very alive and also bringing forth new and refined thoughts for me - especially because I am of course in a different place now than I was then. Thank you for all of your continuing work, it is so good, so important, so meaningful. I write this from a place of immense gratitude.
OK, so this piece coupled with something I read this morning by Brianna Wiest is REALLY landing on me. The "waiting" you describe ......"for a better time, for the circumstances to be right, for it to seem less scary, and…there it is…less painful. I guess what I’m telling you is that that time will not come because it does not exist." And Brianna's take on desire - "you cannot desire what you do not already contain. Desire is a projection outward that is proportionate to potential inward....what you are waiting on is your own willingness to accept the mountain you must climb in order to pull those desires out of the deepest parts of you and create them in the world you already inhabit." DAMN!!!!!!!!! The waiting is just preventing the desire from taking center stage. Classic self-sabotage.
Fear just smothers our desires - stealing the spotlight - making them harder and harder to see. If we can only surrender to the pain of the uncertainty (can't wait to read your next newsletter on THAT!) then maybe our "Bigger Yes" stands a chance! Thank you for this, Laura!!!! xoxox
“And so long as you haven't experienced this: to die and so to grow, you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.” This quote from Goethe hit me right where I sit. I’ve been grieving losses that almost took me down and made me want to stop living. A terrible divorce which main “vows” were composed of lies, chronic alcohol abuse, and a gambling addiction. A divorce like that where I live makes you a social pariah. The next attack was deep and untreatable mental depression, followed by chronic and non responsive reaction to medication for chronic daily migraine. I lost my job and the rest of my friends. I ended up suffering from unbearable abdominal pain as well - gastroparesis (which is often linked to migraine). My most recent surgery was in December and it was the scariest thing I have ever lived through. It didn’t cure my pain, but it did remove my esophagus from strangling my heart. I have learned a lot about suffering in the process. First, some suffering is never expected (especially from your lifetime mate). But if I had kept my eyes open I would have noticed what was going on. It’s important to trust your intuition at all times. Second, listen to your body. If you know something is wrong, continue seeing doctors until you have a adequate explanation for your pain. I spend years of my life searching for a doctor who would help me and I finally found one. The onus was entirely on me. To conquer pain you must confront it. Third, even when you think you’ve conquered all the pain there could possibly be for you to conquer, never let your guard down. In my case there was another diagnosis and a severe bout with depression. In addition, I was down to less than a fistful of friends. No one ever could see to relate to what I had been through. So I was a loner for a while. It hurt that my friends didn’t believe it and comfort me, but what I’ve found is that compassion is limited in our sphere. I’d ask you to think of a friend you haven’t heard from in awhile and reach out to her (or him) as a gesture of compassion to help them if they need it. And if they don’t, you are putting your friendship back on the right track. Either way, everyone wins!
You’re a survivor Laura, that is for sure! I think people who’ve been through the fire - whatever form that took - can frighten other people who seem to think pain is somehow catching. But we know each other and we find our people somehow. ❤️
Laura, I feel like you are writing this directly to me! Ha! I feel this all so deeply it almost hurts to read. I saw it come through my notifications yesterday, and avoided reading it...until this morning. I will most likely neatly stack it away into the archives of my brain for when I am ready to go forth with this looming pain I am avoiding from every ounce of my being! I am a great "reframer" as well even though I am a 2! Per usual The Universe has delivered into my world exactly what I needed to hear-from a great writer like yourself-the way out of the pain is through the pain-YES-but I don't wanna :-(
I’m in it AGAIN. I am in the deep pain and deep uncertainty and do not even know what the Bigger Yes is for me but it’s not what it was. I’m fresh out of rehab and feeling all the shit. I moved to Tampa because my kiddos are now grown and I wanted warm weather and now I’ve cried 4 times because I know NO ONE and I’m not sitting with myself only. I’ve read all your stuff (and 90 self help books) and I know enough that this won’t last forever and there is more beauty ahead but it is downright terror right now. This is the first time I haven’t chased the pain away with something and maybe that’s why it is so deep. The pain asks....who am I supposed to become? What am I good at? Where will I find work? What do I do? What have I done moving to a city without anyone nearby and away from my kids? What the fuck?
And I hit send before I finished and I’m not even sure what my point is except your words always hit. You’ve been here before and I’ve been watching and following and yogaing behind you. I feel so fucking lost. You provide hope for something more. I love ya. Please tell me something to make this pain currently lessen. The pain is in the pain but what gives?
I loved reading this. Selfish has been my most frequent disapproval tape, for sure, the fear of disappointing others--my father or mother, a teacher, a boss, a friend, a husband...the list goes on. But in the past year I have become so much more comfortable in my own skin and ignoring the tape. It takes work and a constant returning to one's truth, as the anchor. Thanks for that reminder.
I am so glad you are writing this series. It is exactly what I need to be reminded of, a year on from my own divorce, and about 18 months from my Bigger Yes journey with you and the TBY community. If we keep on learning, we keep on growing. I don't intend to stop doing either.
You really hit it out of the park with this very insightful piece. You’re right: that perfect time to stop will never come and find myself still waiting. I just turned 68 and I know I can’t continue waiting.
Oh my goodness. Thank you. My entire life is going to either have to implode - at this point, it might with or without my permission- or I will not survive. I needed to read this. Thank you again.
Excellent mix of memoir and advice from lived experience.
I'm 61 and from my POV, the pain you describe has a huge payoff in wisdom when you're older. Really looking forward to your next installments.
I’m just a few years younger than you are, and that’s been my experience too. Even the crappiest times have brought lessons and experiences that become more valuable the longer I’ve had to reflect.
This resonates in so many ways. I'm also an Enneagram 7 and my dominoes recently fell. It's hard to let that pain in and face it but this is an amazing reminder to trust the wave and know i'll come back up, albeit banged up. Thank you for your insights and putting this out there!
💯 Richard Rohr talks about ‘necessary suffering’ in his book ‘Falling upward’ - the idea that suffering is necessary for growth, that if we live without pain, there is no impetus for change. I think the message can get confused with ‘suffering is good’, a toxic resignation/passivity to suffering that is/was a feature of Irish Catholicism in particular.
Having been in recovery for 3 years but still struggling, I know that my times of greatest suffering have been my times of greatest growth and healing. If I cannot face the pain, the pain will consume me.
The discussion of pain reminds me of a book I am currently reading: Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, MD. Treating pain with pain has been around for centuries. Examples: acupuncture, ice cold baths, flogging and even tattoos. The balance of pain vs. pleasure, etc...
Great book.
Thank you so much for writing this, Laura. Like you, I was wholeheartedly terrified that life would be over after giving up alcohol. But letting go has enabled me to start finding myself. The life that wants to live in me. I think you have said before it is like seeing in color rather than black and white. Even after 16 months, I am still amazed at how much I am learning about myself and how much healing can occur when I sit with my emotions, even though it is difficult. I am looking forward to your next 4 installments 💜
Your writing continues to inspire and help me on the journey. As a former student of the Bigger Yes Course - this series is keeping it very alive and also bringing forth new and refined thoughts for me - especially because I am of course in a different place now than I was then. Thank you for all of your continuing work, it is so good, so important, so meaningful. I write this from a place of immense gratitude.
Thanks Charlie, I'm so glad you feel that way!
I spent too many years in desperate pursuit of permission for every move I made, so this was especially resonant for me. Beautiful piece.
OK, so this piece coupled with something I read this morning by Brianna Wiest is REALLY landing on me. The "waiting" you describe ......"for a better time, for the circumstances to be right, for it to seem less scary, and…there it is…less painful. I guess what I’m telling you is that that time will not come because it does not exist." And Brianna's take on desire - "you cannot desire what you do not already contain. Desire is a projection outward that is proportionate to potential inward....what you are waiting on is your own willingness to accept the mountain you must climb in order to pull those desires out of the deepest parts of you and create them in the world you already inhabit." DAMN!!!!!!!!! The waiting is just preventing the desire from taking center stage. Classic self-sabotage.
Fear just smothers our desires - stealing the spotlight - making them harder and harder to see. If we can only surrender to the pain of the uncertainty (can't wait to read your next newsletter on THAT!) then maybe our "Bigger Yes" stands a chance! Thank you for this, Laura!!!! xoxox
Wow! Enneagram 7 and reframing oh hell yes,,, I’m a pro at keeping those dominoes lined up.
What a great and insightful read. Thank you 💜
“And so long as you haven't experienced this: to die and so to grow, you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.” This quote from Goethe hit me right where I sit. I’ve been grieving losses that almost took me down and made me want to stop living. A terrible divorce which main “vows” were composed of lies, chronic alcohol abuse, and a gambling addiction. A divorce like that where I live makes you a social pariah. The next attack was deep and untreatable mental depression, followed by chronic and non responsive reaction to medication for chronic daily migraine. I lost my job and the rest of my friends. I ended up suffering from unbearable abdominal pain as well - gastroparesis (which is often linked to migraine). My most recent surgery was in December and it was the scariest thing I have ever lived through. It didn’t cure my pain, but it did remove my esophagus from strangling my heart. I have learned a lot about suffering in the process. First, some suffering is never expected (especially from your lifetime mate). But if I had kept my eyes open I would have noticed what was going on. It’s important to trust your intuition at all times. Second, listen to your body. If you know something is wrong, continue seeing doctors until you have a adequate explanation for your pain. I spend years of my life searching for a doctor who would help me and I finally found one. The onus was entirely on me. To conquer pain you must confront it. Third, even when you think you’ve conquered all the pain there could possibly be for you to conquer, never let your guard down. In my case there was another diagnosis and a severe bout with depression. In addition, I was down to less than a fistful of friends. No one ever could see to relate to what I had been through. So I was a loner for a while. It hurt that my friends didn’t believe it and comfort me, but what I’ve found is that compassion is limited in our sphere. I’d ask you to think of a friend you haven’t heard from in awhile and reach out to her (or him) as a gesture of compassion to help them if they need it. And if they don’t, you are putting your friendship back on the right track. Either way, everyone wins!
You’re a survivor Laura, that is for sure! I think people who’ve been through the fire - whatever form that took - can frighten other people who seem to think pain is somehow catching. But we know each other and we find our people somehow. ❤️
Thank you, Kate. It’s never too late to reach out with compassion.
Laura, I feel like you are writing this directly to me! Ha! I feel this all so deeply it almost hurts to read. I saw it come through my notifications yesterday, and avoided reading it...until this morning. I will most likely neatly stack it away into the archives of my brain for when I am ready to go forth with this looming pain I am avoiding from every ounce of my being! I am a great "reframer" as well even though I am a 2! Per usual The Universe has delivered into my world exactly what I needed to hear-from a great writer like yourself-the way out of the pain is through the pain-YES-but I don't wanna :-(
So glad you shared, Stacy.
I’m in it AGAIN. I am in the deep pain and deep uncertainty and do not even know what the Bigger Yes is for me but it’s not what it was. I’m fresh out of rehab and feeling all the shit. I moved to Tampa because my kiddos are now grown and I wanted warm weather and now I’ve cried 4 times because I know NO ONE and I’m not sitting with myself only. I’ve read all your stuff (and 90 self help books) and I know enough that this won’t last forever and there is more beauty ahead but it is downright terror right now. This is the first time I haven’t chased the pain away with something and maybe that’s why it is so deep. The pain asks....who am I supposed to become? What am I good at? Where will I find work? What do I do? What have I done moving to a city without anyone nearby and away from my kids? What the fuck?
And I hit send before I finished and I’m not even sure what my point is except your words always hit. You’ve been here before and I’ve been watching and following and yogaing behind you. I feel so fucking lost. You provide hope for something more. I love ya. Please tell me something to make this pain currently lessen. The pain is in the pain but what gives?
I loved reading this. Selfish has been my most frequent disapproval tape, for sure, the fear of disappointing others--my father or mother, a teacher, a boss, a friend, a husband...the list goes on. But in the past year I have become so much more comfortable in my own skin and ignoring the tape. It takes work and a constant returning to one's truth, as the anchor. Thanks for that reminder.
I am so glad you are writing this series. It is exactly what I need to be reminded of, a year on from my own divorce, and about 18 months from my Bigger Yes journey with you and the TBY community. If we keep on learning, we keep on growing. I don't intend to stop doing either.