'Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy'
On perimenopause, menopause, and alcohol use disorder (they're correlated, I think) with a big list of resources.
In June, I wrote about hitting a wall of exhaustion. In response, I vowed to work a lot less this summer and stop fighting with my uterus. I have, shockingly, worked so much less. I’ve also started to learn a lot about perimenopause, and what I’ve learned is: I’m squarely in it. I think I’ve actually been in it for a couple of years as I learn more about the symptoms. The most prominent ones for me so far have been: irritability, exhaustion, weight gain, brain fog, being hot1 (no hot flashes yet, just feeling hot), hair loss, and severe cramps/bleeding/migraines around my period. It all sounds so awful when I spell it out, but knowing what’s happening (versus thinking I’m going crazy, as women are so often told, hence the TS lyric2 choice for this newsletter) has helped so much.
Still, I continually feel like I did when I had Alma and started breastfeeding and could not believe how painful and difficult it was: WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS? Turns out people are talking about peri/meno, but only very recently in modern, accessible language (and it feels like we have a long way to go still). Since I’ve been in information collection and research mode, I thought I’d compile a list of what I’ve come across so far and share that today.
Menopause and Alcohol Use Disorder
I’m going to dig into this in a lot more detail later, but I have to mention it now. Since I first started doing this work ten years ago, I immediately noticed a pattern in the demographic of women who were showing up in my communities, following my accounts on social, taking my courses, and coming to my retreats and book events. The vast majority—I’d say easily 75%—were between fifty and sixty-five years old. This is still true.
I started doing this work when I was thirty-seven, so to me, these women were “older,” and I was curious about that. Why did they care what I (someone considerably younger, in my view) had to say? Why were so many of them struggling with alcohol at that age? I used to think it was because alcohol use had just run its course—that the damage had reached a tipping point after 20-30 years of drinking. Or, I suspected (because they’d say as much) that their kids had left for college, or they’d become disenchanted with their career path, or their marriage had fallen apart; in other words, they’d gone through a tough transition that had spurred more drinking. This all may be true, but I’ve become increasingly convinced that the hormonal changes caused by perimenopause and menopause are a far bigger catalyst for the onset and progression of alcohol use disorder than anyone realizes.
I’ve become increasingly convinced that the hormonal changes caused by perimenopause and menopause are a far bigger catalyst for the onset and progression of alcohol use disorder than anyone realizes.
I’ve conferred with other sober women about this, and we all agree/have seen the same thing. Veronica Valli has already started to have public conversations (linked below) about it. She also recently launched a course called “Hot Sobriety.”
Again, I’m just starting to look into this from a scientific standpoint, but to me, it’s a big DUH now that I’m going through it. I’d love to hear from you in the comments if this feels true in your experience.
A Brief Update About My ~Journey~
Dealing with the symptoms
On June 20, I got an IUD, which my gynecologist had been recommending for a couple of years because my period symptoms and bleeding were becoming increasingly unmanageable. I did general anesthesia, the procedure was fast and easy, and the next day I felt some mild cramping, but nothing big. Two days after the procedure, I became feverish and had full-body cramps; I’d developed an infection, which is relatively common, and after a couple of days of antibiotics, the symptoms subsided. But then I got my period, and when I tell you it was the worst period I’ve ever had…I was bedridden for five days. Severe cramps. Headache. Nausea. Excessive bleeding. I couldn’t do anything. There’s typically an adjustment period (I’m told up to three months) before the IUD works as it’s supposed to, so I’m praying this was the beginning and end of that adjustment period because next time it comes at the end of the month, I’ll be hosting a retreat for my entire team in Boston (melting smile emoji).
I’ll keep reporting back on this; so many of you have said an IUD was life-changing for you. Also, because someone is going to ask/recommend, yes, I have done extensive bloodwork to eliminate other causes.
Exercise revamp
About 18 months ago, my body started craving different types of movement than it had in the past. For starters, I couldn’t run anymore. After twenty years of being a committed runner, I just…couldn’t. I thought it was the pandemic that stole it from me, and for a brief period last year I tried to reclaim it, but that was short-lived. The pounding hurt too much. Instead, I’ve been doing the Peloton, hiking, and taking long walks—so many long walks.
I also started weight training. I’d long heard it was important in middle age to prevent muscle loss and slow the decline of bone density, but I’ve never had the patience or desire for it. Now I love it. I can’t believe how much I love it. I hired someone (hi, Anne, I love you!) to help me learn how to do it right, and 2-3 times a week now, I throw around heavy weights.
When the exhaustion hit in May, I couldn’t do these workouts anymore. They felt impossible. I asked Anne if this was normal, and she said, “Yes, you’re in a slump!” So, I took a break from them3, let my brain and body repair, and this past week I did my first real workout. Listening to my body and actually resting are brand new things, and they work, imagine.
Working less
No huge update here except to say I have, and I am, and it’s helping. But I constantly think about the fact that most people can’t just decide to work less, especially women and mothers. There are no quick fixes to this, obviously, but I tell myself that continuing to support people in getting free from addiction is one way I can tangibly help. Also: talking about it here and elsewhere.
Resources
Many of you have recommended great resources on perimenopause and menopause, and I’ve found a few on my own, too. I have not fully vetted all of these, FYI. Please add your own in the comments, and I’ll keep this as a growing list.
Podcasts & Podcast Episodes
Health by Heather Hirsch Podcast with Dr. Heather Hirsch
The Period Podcast with Nicole Jardim
Over 40? What Works Now: Perimenopause and Menopause Food and Exercise 101 on The Insatiable Podcast with Ali Shapiro
Hot Sobriety with Kate Bailey on Soberful Podcast with Veronica Valli. About mid-life women, hormones, and menopause. Kate and Veronica talk about how many women are struggling with sobriety and hormonal changes, how devastating alcohol is for menopausal women, and tips for getting through it.
WNYC Jancee Dunn's New Book on What No One Tells You About Menopause is a quick episode that provides an overview of Jancee’s new book (below).
Instagram Accounts
Many of these people have books, courses, and websites full of resources, so follow and dig in further.
Heather Hirsch MD, Dr. Louise Newson, Dr. Mary Claire, Dr. Jen Gunter, Feisty Menopause, Dr. Sara Gottfried, Dr. Stacy Sims, Annice Mukherjee, Amanda Thebe
Substacks
- by Dr. Jen Gunter
- - look at the section called “Pro-Aging”
Books
Just Getting Started: Lessons on Life, Love, and Menopause by Lisa Snowdon - With no subject off-limits, Lisa guides you through every issue she herself faced, from dealing with weight gain, fighting her hormones, reigniting her sex life and finding a renewed sense of self-love.
Hot and Bothered: What No One Tells You About Menopause by Jancee Dunn - For more than two decades, Jancee has been reporting on mental and physical health. So if she was unprepared for this, what about all the women who don't write about health for a living? Hot and Bothered is the book she wishes existed as she was scrambling for information: an empowering, research-based guide on how women can tackle this new stage of life.
Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter - Filled with practical, reassuring information, this essential guide will revolutionize how women experience menopause—including how their lives can be even better for it.
The Menopause Reset: Get Rid of Your Symptoms and Feel Like You’re Younger Self Again by Dr. Mindy Pelz - Nutrition and functional medicine expert and best-selling author Dr. Mindy Pelz has helped thousands of women just like you reset their health during their turbulent menopausal years.
Next Level: Your Guide to Kicking Ass, Feeling Great, and Crushing Goals Through Menopause and Beyond by Dr. Stacy Sims and Selene Yeager - A comprehensive, physiology-based guide to peak performance for active women approaching or experiencing menopause.
Menopausing: The Positive Roadmap to Your Second Spring by Davina McCall - By exploring and explaining the science, debunking damaging myths, and smashing the taboos around perimenopause and menopause, this book will equip women to make the most informed decisions about their health… and their lives.
The Definitive Guide to The Perimenopause and Menopause by Dr. Louise Newson - won’t be out in the U.S. until October, but you can get it on Kindle now.
I hope this is helpful! As always, let’s keep talking.
More soon,
Laura
You are reading Love Story, a weekly newsletter about relationships, recovery, and writing (with a heavy dose of Taylor Swift) from Laura McKowen. I’m also on Instagram, and have written two books. I love engaging with you in the comments, which are open to paid subscribers, and you can subscribe here or give a gift subscription here.
I’ve always run warm/hot, but now it’s next level.
ICYMI, I’m doing an entire year of newsletters inspired by Taylor Swift's lyrics. This one, Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy, is from the song "Mad Woman” on the ‘folklore’ album. I’ve been waiting for the right time to use it.
During this break, I kept up very light kettlebell workouts, just so it wouldn’t be too hard to return. But they were light.
Thank you for bringing this conversation to your membership! Also, I believe there is a correlation to Perimenopause/menopause and alcohol from personal experience. I had 3.5 years sober and mostly happy, but have had relapses and it is always the same time each month. I feel like a crazy person and so different from who I was before. WHY did we not talk about this before?
Hi Laura,
Great post! I’m 60 next year, but began “journeying” into peri menopause in my early 40’s and did not know what the F was going on. I relate to your symptoms.
I also suffered intense mood swings with PMS and that was many years before. Id literally feel compelled to “break up” with my life and certain people almost every month 3 days or so before my period every month. It would dissolve once my period arrives...mostly. But there was something to it..
This stage reminds me of what you said the other day in S90: “Everything needs to change.” It’s a time to lean in to your body and spirit more than ever, which is what you are doing! As an athlete, I changed my relationship to movement. It’s much more intuitive now, but works in all the ways that I need it to at any given time.
I love Christiane Northrop’s book “The Wisdom of Menopause” I untangled my “situation” with her help.
It’s comprehensive and compassionate. I also think Sara Gottfried is brilliant and modern and sound in her approach.
You’ve got this!