The Truth About Fawning: Join me for a live conversation
How learning about it blew up my understanding of addiction, emotional sobriety, and recovery. Join Laura McKowen and Dr. Ingrid Clayton, author of Fawning, on June 26 at 12 pm ET.
Late last year, I was scrolling through Instagram and stumbled on a post with the following quote:
In the fawning trauma response, we attempt to regulate ourselves by regulating others.
Now, I’d heard about fawning. I even wrote a little bit about it years ago and have talked about it here and there, off-handedly, in classes and talks. But something about this was different—I hadn’t heard it explained or phrased that way before. We attempt to regulate ourselves by regulating others.
It made me sit up.
I started clicking through the author’s Instagram, and thirty minutes later, I frantically messaged
asking if we could connect and if I could please-please-please get an advanced copy of her forthcoming book, Fawning.Over the next few days, Ingrid and I exchanged messages, I downloaded and read her first book about surviving narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, watched hours of her Reels, and gratefully received and read Fawning.
I’ve read hundreds of self-help, personal development, and psychology books. Only two required me to read very slowly, breathe deep breaths, and take long walks between readings because the impact was so significant. The first was Kelly McDaniel’s Ready to Heal, which I read in 2019 when I was learning about love addiction and doing targeted work with a therapist on the subject. The second is this book, Fawning.
I am the child of a narcissist, an ACOA, a woman in long-term recovery from alcohol addiction, a member of the 12-step community, and the author of two books about recovery. I have accumulated a pretty good understanding of attachment theory, complex trauma, emotional regulation, family systems theory, emotional sobriety, codependency, shame and guilt dynamics, and personality disorders. In other words, I’ve made it my job (both literally and personally) to try to understand why we do what we do. Specifically, I’ve tried to understand why I do what I do in romantic relationships with men (the topic of my forthcoming book).
I’ve found many answers over the years, but this book connected the dots in an entirely new way and provided the critical, nuanced perspective I was missing.
This is the endorsement I wrote for it:
“As a woman in long-term recovery and a lifelong seeker, I’ve read every book, joined every program, and sat with countless professionals trying to understand what was wrong with me. I’ve found glimpses of insight along the way—but nothing has touched the root of my pain with the clarity, depth, and compassion of Fawning. Dr. Clayton brings piercing clarity to the confusion, self-abandonment, and emotional contortions I’ve lived with my entire life.”
Join me and Ingrid on Thursday, where we’ll discuss fawning: what it is, how Ingrid uncovered it in her clinical work as a therapist and survivor of complex trauma, how discovering it changed her recovery and her clients’ healing, and how learning about it has impacted my journey.
Register Now
Join Dr. Ingrid Clayton and me this Thursday, June 26, at 9 am PT / 12 pm ET. Everyone who registers will receive the replay.
You must be registered to join, get the replay, or be eligible to win an advanced copy of Fawning, out September 9.
You do not need to be on the live call to receive the replay or be eligible to win.
Subscribe to Ingrid’s newsletter / Follow Ingrid on Instagram / Pre-order Fawning
If you have questions you’d like us to cover, share them in the comments!
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You are reading Love Story, a weekly newsletter about relationships, recovery, and writing from Laura McKowen. Laura is the founder of The Luckiest Club, an international sobriety support community, and the bestselling author of two books, We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life and Push Off from Here: 9 Essential Truths to Get You Through Sobriety (and Everything Else).
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I’m interested in the difference between fawning and codependence because it sounds very much the same. If i control the people around me that makes me feel safe. Regulating other people makes me feel regulated.
I would like to offer you a huge bribe to give me your copy of "Fawning", lol. I feel like this is my "final frontier" in healing... I catch myself doing it All The Time, and I'm 65 damn years old. It's so deeply ingrained in me, I can barely recognize when I'm doing it - but I do catch it, and I want to heal it. September seems like a long time to wait for the book (reiterating huge bribe here), so I'm very grateful to both of you for doing this event!